Jokes

[PippaJane]

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas.  The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"

A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C."

The teacher gave him an A+.

[PippaJane]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.  His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[PippaJane]

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.  "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

[heartbroken]

Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: "Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?"

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes" the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, "Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny."

The little girl looked at her in amazement, "How do you get to ALL of those houses???"

[heartbroken]

One day while driving through a neighborhood near his church, Pastor John saw a little boy on a front porch, struggling trying to reach the doorbell. 

Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, "Now what do we do?"

"Now," the boy said, laughing, "we run!"

[PippaJane]

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

[PippaJane]

One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole "conversation."  He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.  Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Just then it dawned on them.

[Lost Soul]

A guy hears a knock at the door.  He opens it up to find a snail.  He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.  Five years go by.  One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.  The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"

[Lost Soul]

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

[Lost Soul]

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.  "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

[Lost Soul]

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!

[Lost Soul]

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S” on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he’s flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, ” Look at that S-Car-Go!”

[PippaJane]

A man goes into a dentist's office.

Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on."

[heartbroken]

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity you will appreciate this story.  A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache.  He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the  examining table and taken the sheet on provided on the table and pulled it over his body and head and had stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"

[Lost Soul]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.  The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.  The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"