Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 16918 times)

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: November 26, 2019, 08:19:57 PM »
Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits.  After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: December 13, 2019, 06:08:54 PM »
The Teacher's Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.  Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: December 13, 2019, 06:11:56 PM »
The Sheep Farmer

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.  After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.  The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.  She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: January 05, 2020, 06:51:25 PM »
PRESS RELEASE

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
 
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"  subsidiary:  The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.  The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.  The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.   The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.  The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.  The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be more productive.  The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.  Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.  As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.  Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.  Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year.  Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.  We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.  Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: January 09, 2020, 09:21:21 PM »
NO ROOM IN THE INN, except...

Wally was nine years old and in the second grade, though he should have been in the fourth. He was big and clumsy, slow in movement and mind, but well-liked  by the other children in class, all of whom were smaller than he. At the time the boys did have trouble hiding their irritation when the uncoordinated Wally would ask to play ball with them. He would stand by not sulking, but hoping always a helpful boy, willing and smiling, the natural protector of any child he felt was being mistreated.  As Christmas time approached, plans were made for the annual school pageant. Children were being assigned their parts angels, shepherds, wise men, Mary, Joseph. Wally stood by expectantly then suddenly his joy knew no bounds, for he heard the teacher say, "Wally, I want you to be the Innkeeper." (Not many lines to learn, she reasoned and his size would make his refusal of lodging to Joseph even more forceful.)

Little did that teacher dream the lesson that such a tenderhearted boy would teach to all who would attend that program!  Then came rehearsals the shepherd staffs and manger, beards, crowns, halos, and a stageful of squeaky voices. Most caught up in the magic of the night was Wally. He would stand in the wings, watch the performance with fascination; his teacher had to make sure he did not wander on stage before his cue.  Came the long-awaited night and Wally stood, holding a lantern, by the door of the Inn, watching as the children who portrayed Mary and Joseph came near him. "What do you want?" Wally asked with a brusque gesture.

"We seek lodging."

"Seek it elsewhere the inn is filled."

"Sir, we have asked everywhere in vain. We have traveled far and are very weary."

"There is no room in this inn for you." Wally looked properly stern.
 
"Please, good Innkeeper, this is my wife. She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest. Surely you must have some small corner for her. She is so tired."
 
Now, for the first time, the Innkeeper relaxed his stiff stance and looked down at Mary. With that there was a long pause the audience became a bit tense.  "No! Begone!" the prompter whispered from the wings.
 
"No! Begone!" Wally repeated automatically.
 
Joseph sadly placed his arms around Mary, and Mary laid her head upon her husband's shoulder, and the two of them started to move away. The Innkeeper did not return inside his Inn, however. Wally stood there in the doorway, watching the forlorn couple. His mouth was open, his brow creased with concern, his eyes filling unmistakably with tears.  And suddenly this Christmas pageant became different from all others.  "Don't go, Joseph", Wally called out. "Bring Mary back." And Wally's face grew into a bright smile. "You can have my room!"
 
A burst of laughter then silence then tears flowed freely as the message came through to the listeners. Wally, the boy considered "slow", had made room for Jesus. He could not turn Mary and Joseph away God's only begotten Son would be welcomed by him! His tender heart had made room for the Savior.

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: January 09, 2020, 09:22:45 PM »
15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2020...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon      

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles      

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels         

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall   

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum         

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions         

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments         

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

heartbroken

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2020, 09:02:57 PM »
An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather around his bedside.  "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave.  On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we're building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: January 24, 2020, 05:39:40 PM »
Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.  That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.  As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.  She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.  The man answered yes - he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.  The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it."

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2020, 07:37:13 PM »
CAR CLASSIFIED AD CLAIMS

If the car ad claims . . . what it really means

~ rough condition . . . too bad to lie about

~ parts car . . . beyond repair

~ immaculate . . . recently washed

~ engine quiet . . . if you use 90-weight oil

~ needs minor overhaul . . . needs engine

~ needs a major overhaul . . . phone the junkyard

~ burns no oil . . . it all leaked out

~ rebuilt engine . . . cleaned the spark plugs

~ drive it away . . . I live on a hill

~ drive it anywhere . . . within 10 miles

~ desirable classic . . . no one wants it

~ rare classic . . . no one wanted it even when it was new

~ stored 20 years . . . in a farmer's field

~ ran when stored . . . won't start

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: February 01, 2020, 02:33:03 PM »
PUNS 'R US, part 1

~ A good pun is its own reword.

~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

~ A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

~ A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

~ My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.

~ I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

~ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

~ Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

~ I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

~ I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

~ Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: February 01, 2020, 02:36:30 PM »
PUNS 'R US, part 2

~ Without geometry, life is pointless.

~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).

~ In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

heartbroken

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: February 04, 2020, 04:53:48 PM »
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.  The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.  Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.   The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.  Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: February 07, 2020, 02:12:50 PM »
 :rofl:

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: February 12, 2020, 06:03:30 PM »
One night, a daughter brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Upon first sight, the parents were astounded and appalled by his appearance - leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose (and tongue they found out later at dinner).  At a discreet time, the parents pulled their daughter aside and diplomatically told Candi, "We are not sure about him, he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2020, 06:08:46 PM »
Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."