Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 20520 times)

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #105 on: November 10, 2021, 10:40:22 AM »
If biblical events were being covered by today's media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure 

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #106 on: November 10, 2021, 10:42:42 AM »
My 5-year-old: "Do trees poop?"

Me: "Of course they do, that's how we get #2 pencils."

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #107 on: December 27, 2021, 05:13:07 PM »
Be careful what you pray for.

The first congregation we started was just beginning to come together in Guayaquil, Ecuador. My Spanish was just so-so. Ruth, one lady among these first converts, had an aged mother in the hospital in grave condition. This Ruth asked me to visit her mother and pray for her. I am glad to make hospital visits but it is not my strong suit. There are those that have the gift to greatly encourage the sick. I do not have that giftedness.  So one afternoon, I took Carlos, a man who was also a new convert, with me to visit this lady´s mother. She was in very poor condition. Plus, she had not slept much in two nights. Her level of anxiety was very high. At the end of the visit I prayed for her that God would comfort her to lower her anxiety and that she might get some well need sleep. As we walked back to the car, Carlos questioned me about what I had prayed. He told me that I had textually asked that the aged mother would "Rest In peace."
 
Less than an hour after leaving the hospital, I get a call from Ruth. Her mother had passed away shortly after our visit. Carlos soon spread the story about what had happened and how I had prayed for this lady. In the 30 years we have been here, no one has complained if the pastor/missionary does not visit the sick. To the contrary, some have said to me that it is fine with them if I don't visit them when they are sick.

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #108 on: December 27, 2021, 05:16:10 PM »
You've heard of Murphy's famous law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

There are many other related laws. Here are a few:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. - Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. - Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. - Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. - Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. - Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem. - Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. - William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think. - IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. - The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. - Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. - Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage. - Cole's Law

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #109 on: January 13, 2022, 04:12:47 PM »
Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.

"Oh mother," she cried out upon returning home, "what do you think I saw today?"

"I can't imagine, dear, what?"

"A lady had twins, and a spare!"

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #110 on: January 13, 2022, 04:15:44 PM »
One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."

WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"

WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."

Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"