Jokes

[PippaJane]

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.  He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him."

[PippaJane]

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.  The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder.  "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."

The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.  "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."

This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.  "See! I told you I was right," the woman said.

But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.  "Help me, Lord," the woman implored.

And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!"

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"

"Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

[PippaJane]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages.  One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two-word answer: "What chair?"

[PippaJane]

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"

The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."

"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?"

"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

[Cocopops]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.  "I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

[Cocopops]

There once was a magician who finally got his big break and got a job as a head-liner in Vegas. So, he was out doing his first performance and was just wowing the crowd! I mean they were eating this stuff up! Every trick he did had perfect timing; every trick came off so believable! He was on a roll.  He got down to his last trick and asked for an audience member to assist him. Even with how well he was doing, everyone in the audience was still hesitant. Finally, he pointed to a man in the audience and reluctantly the man came forward.  "Welcome sir! I will ask you to please take this mallet that I have here and, after I have laid my head on this block, I want you to smack me in the head with that mallet as hard as you can," the magician said.

Well, of course the man was shocked and refused to do it.  The magician replied, "Sir, have I not wowed you tonight with my magic?"

"Well, yes you have but..."

"No buts, sir! Do you not trust that I am a professional magician that knows what he is doing?"

"I guess so," the man replied.

"Well then, when I say I want you to smack me on the head with this mallet then I mean it. Trust me sir, I know what I'm doing."

"Ok, I trust you."

So, the magician lays his head down on the block, the man from the audience raises the mallet, the crowd gasps, the man brings down the mallet on the magicians head and the magicians head is split clean open. Blood everywhere.  The magician is rushed to the hospital not looking too well. After hours in surgery, the doctors explain that they have sewed up the magician's head but he is in a coma. They won't know anything until he wakes up.  In the meantime, the man from the audience feels just horrible. He knows it's his fault. He stays by the magician's side every spare moment he gets.  Reading to him, telling him stories, all in the hope that one day soon the magician will wake up and he can apologize for this horrible thing he has done.  Four years this goes on. Then one day, out of the blue, the magician begins to stir. The man from the audience calls in the doctors and friends and family. Everyone is standing around the hospital bed waiting to see if he is going to be okay or if he can speak.  The magician opens his eyes and attempts to sit up in bed. He looks around at all the loving attention he seems to be getting from his family and friends. He sits up all the way in bed and looks around once more and says, "TA-DAA!"

[PippaJane]

THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O'golly Gee!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principal)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

[heartbroken]

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.  "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

[heartbroken]

Joan: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!

John: Does it upset you that much?

Joan: Not just me, the entire congregation.

[heartbroken]

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for coffee.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No. He said 'Put your money away.'"

[Lost Soul]

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted "I will as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

[Lost Soul]

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.  [9mHer mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
 
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
 
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE."

[PippaJane]

On a balmy day in New York, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos, khakis, and a round of golf.  After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

[PippaJane]

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.  When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots, sir, and count them yourself."

[PippaJane]

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.  "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"