Jokes

[PippaJane]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.  "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.   He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[PippaJane]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[heartbroken]

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.  What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress.

She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.  The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

[PippaJane]

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.  "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said, "it's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I'm a fisherman."

[Cocopops]

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper:

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...    
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...    
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...    
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...    
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...    
This is the prettiest graph.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...    
Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...    
Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...    
Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...    
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...    
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...    
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...    
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...    
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...    
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...    
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...    
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...    
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...    
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...    
I quit.

[PippaJane]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

[heartbroken]

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"

He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.  The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men's tee?!

At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

[PippaJane]

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.   "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.
 
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
 
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.  The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

[Cocopops]

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it's true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the Recycle Bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

[Cocopops]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.  The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

[Cocopops]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.  After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says  "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

[PippaJane]

Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said "you're just a frog- you can't fly!"

The frog knew that he didn't want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.  "I got an idea!" the frog said.

He found a long stick. "You two hold this stick in your claws and I'll hold on to the middle."

"With what?" the geese asked. "Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!"

"With my mouth" said the frog, proud of his idea.

So the geese put the stick in their claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.  A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, "What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?"

The frog proudly exclaimed "I did!"

[Cocopops]

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up.  "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.

"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home."

[Cocopops]

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God's sheep.  Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?"  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd."

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?"

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

[PippaJane]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym.  Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”

The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”