Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 16916 times)

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #90 on: May 06, 2021, 04:45:59 PM »
A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.

"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."

"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.

"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."

"Guilty," snapped the judge.

"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.

"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"

Cocopops

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #91 on: May 06, 2021, 04:48:22 PM »
I asked my daughter to give me the phone book.  She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone.  So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

heartbroken

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #92 on: May 14, 2021, 02:39:12 PM »
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.   The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?"

He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.  Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

heartbroken

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #93 on: May 14, 2021, 02:40:16 PM »
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #94 on: May 20, 2021, 03:41:06 PM »
I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne.

Life is great.

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights."

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #95 on: May 20, 2021, 03:52:39 PM »
There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.  At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
-

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #96 on: May 22, 2021, 12:26:19 PM »
Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.  "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"


PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #97 on: May 22, 2021, 12:28:38 PM »
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.  There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.  She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.  "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish but good."

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #98 on: May 22, 2021, 12:32:25 PM »
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.  One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.  "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.  The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #99 on: June 02, 2021, 03:31:41 PM »
A little girl went to church.  She had a dollar and a quarter in her shiny little Sunday purse.  When the collection plate came around, she dropped in her quarter.  Later she explained to her mother: "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #100 on: June 02, 2021, 03:33:14 PM »
Bob was a Walmart greeter who was habitually late for work, but otherwise an excellent employee. Out of frustration concerning this gentleman's tardiness, the Walmart store manager called him in for a one-on-one meeting.  "So," began the manager, "I understand you're retired from the armed forces. May I inquire as to which branch?"

"I was in the Navy," Bob replied.

"And," inquired the boss, "were you ever late arriving at your former job?" 

"Why, yes, sometimes I came late" answered Bob.

"Well, tell me, what comment was made upon your late arrival?"

The greeter smiled and replied, "Good morning, Admiral Jones, would you like tea or coffee this morning?"

PippaJane

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #101 on: June 03, 2021, 06:38:55 PM »
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #102 on: June 24, 2021, 02:54:06 PM »
A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.  The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop.

Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.  A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$175 due for a consultation."

Lost Soul

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #103 on: June 24, 2021, 02:55:18 PM »
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.  Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember run to Dad first, then the dog."