https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/10561868/I-dont-want-to-live-in-a-society-where-work-is-more-important-than-grief.html'I don't want to live in a society where work is more important than grief'
As the Government is urged to consider statutory bereavement leave, Alice Arnold writes about coping with her father's death and how she needs time off to grieve
By Alice Arnold
7:00AM GMT 10 Jan 2014
I am writing this because a report from the National Council for Palliative Care says that the Government should look into the ‘feasibility’ of statutory leave from work after a loved one dies. As I sit here writing this I have the obituary section of The Telegraph sitting on my desk. The picture at the top of the page is of my father. This makes me immensely proud but it also means that the reality of it begins to fall into focus and it puts me in a horribly appropriate position to write this piece. My father died on December 17, just a few weeks ago. I can’t say that it was entirely unexpected as he was approaching his 93rd birthday. He had gone into a care home just four weeks earlier because my mother had slipped a disc trying to lift him when he had a fall. The health professionals said that a care home was the only option. My father continued to get weaker. But when I visited him on the day he died he was in great form, sitting in his chair and looking smart. We had a wonderful hour or so together. We talked about Christmas (his presents from me are still unwrapped. Clare, my partner, has kindly put them away in a safe place.) We talked about the local history society and laughed at the fact that he had missed the talk on the History of the Cast Iron English Fire Grate. We laughed and teased each other as we always did. So when the care home called me less than two hours later to say that he had collapsed (I know now he was already dead), it came as a shock. A terrible shock. Mine is not the worst grief that anyone will suffer. Losing a parent will come to all of us at some point. It is not a tragedy as the loss of a child or a young spouse would be but it is grief nevertheless. But I am lucky. I work freelance and I could choose to drop everything and be there for my mother. I have a wonderful brother who shared the workload of everything that needed to be done immediately after the death. Decisions have to be made and they have to be made quickly. Looking through a brochure of coffins and choosing one is surely one of the strangest bits of ‘shopping’ I will ever do. Christmas fell between my father’s death and the funeral. There was nothing we could do about that. We were surrounded by wonderful family and friends who knew that ‘Merry Christmas’ was completely inappropriate. So the question is could I have still continued to work through this period?
My brother went back for two days before the funeral. He didn’t have to but he wanted to, perhaps to create some normality back in his life. His work colleagues were supportive and sympathetic. Yes, I imagine I could have worked. I could have spoken without weeping but my mind is elsewhere. I may appear normal on the outside but inside I am far from normal. I drove to my parents no sorry to my mother's house the other day and took a wrong turning. It is our family home. We have owned it for 55 years and I went wrong. Concentration is difficult. It is true what people say. The world does carry on while your own world has crumbled. I started to wonder if we should bring back the black armband. Wear it until the funeral is over. Caitlin Moran wrote in her New Year resolutions to “treat everyone as if they have just been the receiver of bad newsâ€. It is wonderful advice but sadly not usually followed. If someone is curt with me in a shop I want to say quietly “please be gentle, I’m hurtingâ€.
Everyone will grieve differently. I feel my grief is only just beginning but if we live in a society where work is more important then frankly I don’t want to be part of it. Returning to work may be the best thing for some but the choice is essential and an understanding environment. I spent days organising my father’s funeral and writing his tribute. It was the most important gift I could give him. I had to ‘get it right’. If someone had denied me that time I would never have been able to forgive them. So should there be statutory bereavement leave?
I don’t know. I can’t make a decision. I am grieving. Maybe we don’t need rules but we do need choices. The only thing I know about this time is that I need kindness. My father was many things. He was a war hero, he was brave and funny but most of all he was the kindest person I have ever known. He would want me to knuckle down and get on with life and I can and I will, but tears fall for no apparent reason. My throat tightens when I least expect it. The kindness of family, friends and colleagues will help me through and I hope with all my heart that others will be as fortunate as me.
