https://www.ibelieve.com/relationships/practical-ways-to-heal-from-a-father-s-rejection.html?utm_source=iBelieve%20Relationships&utm_campaign=iBelieve%20Relationships&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2838982&bcid=e4f33018031efea91984e31e0247e4cf&recip=534639123%20

Practical Ways to Heal from a Father’s Rejection
Kia Stephens

A father is a daughter’s first experience with the male gender. He should demonstrate what love looks like and how she should be treated by a man. It is through her father’s eyes that a woman should feel valued, loved and affirmed but what if she doesn’t?

What if a father’s actions teach his daughter that she is not valued or loved at all?

What if she feels rejected by her dad instead?

If this rejection happens not once, but several times throughout her lifetime, she may find it difficult to heal.  It is unfathomable to think that a father would ever reject his own daughter, but it happens. A forgotten birthday, an missed event, or the reluctance to listen can all communicate rejection in the heart of a daughter. Consequently, the woman incurs unexpected and unwanted wounds from her dad’s actions.  The pain of these experiences can potentially last a lifetime. She can find herself crippled in relationships with men, debilitated in her self-esteem, and fearful of experiencing this same rejection from others. Although a father’s rejection is painful to experience, it is possible to heal from this pain.  Below are 7 practical ways to heal from a father’s rejection.

1. Grieve

If we have experienced rejection from our fathers, an obvious, but sometimes ignored step, is that of grieving. Sometimes we need to communicate to ourselves that it is okay to acknowledge and grieve the pain of rejection. Although it may be tempting to excuse or dismiss the pain, we must give ourselves permission to grieve what has been lost.  This may mean grieving our childhood, important milestones, or relationships that have been negatively impacted. Strength does not mean we have to be a superwoman grinning and bearing our pain. We can take the necessary time to grieve rejection from our fathers.  In fact, the Bible encourages us to mourn in Matthew 5:4 (KJV) when it says, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

You may be questioning how someone who mourns pain of this nature could be blessed. The blessing is not in the mourning, but in the promise of being comforted. This comfort is offered from God through the pages of Scripture and it is available for you. If you are grieving the rejection of your father, know that you can find safety in the grieving process because God promises that you will be comforted.

2. Develop Your Relationship With God

When a woman is rejected by her father, this may give her a distorted view of God. She may be tempted to perceive that God is like her father and will reject her in the same way. In order to develop a healthy view of God, a woman must invest in getting to know who God is through the reading of His word.  In Matthew 11:28-30 (KJV) we see Jesus extending an invitation to those who are weary and burdened. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Although a woman may experience rejection from her father, prior to her birth she was already accepted by God. Before we were born, God knew us and loved us. As it says in Psalms 139:13, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.”

God overwhelmingly communicates his desire to know and commune with His people. He desires to take the pain experienced through rejection and exchange it for the unconditional love found in Christ alone.  This relationship offers a pathway by which a woman wounded from the rejection of her father can know un-explainable peace and healing. We can take our pain to God in prayer and trust that He will hear, accept, and comfort us in our distress.

3. Write a Forgiveness Letter

“Have you written a forgiveness letter to your father?” were the words my counselor asked me several years ago.

These words were a catalyst for healing from the rejection of my father because it helped me process pain in a way I had previously been unable to do.  In fact, initially, I had a difficult time completing the letter in one sitting. There were times in the letter writing process that uprooted deep-seated hurts repressed for years. Those hurts had to be grieved before I could continue writing.  Sometimes we suppress our pain in order to survive, but God cannot heal our hearts if we are reluctant to be truthful about our hurt. We must be willing to surrender our pain to the One that can do something about it. In 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT) it says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

A forgiveness letter is a practical tool that we can use to give the pain of rejection to God.

4. Seek Wise Counsel

For some, there is a stigma associated with seeking a counselor to process pain. God, however, encourages us to seek wise counsel in His word. In Proverbs 11:14 it says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Counseling is another practical resource to help women heal from a father’s rejection.  It is not a sign of weakness, rather a demonstration of tremendous strength. The act of seeking counsel demonstrates a desire to heal, and sometimes our healing may require assistance from others. God has uniquely gifted individuals to help others process their pain as it says in Proverbs 20:5 (ESV): “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”

5. Identify Lies We Told Ourselves

There may be lies women believe as a result of experiencing rejection from a father. Statements like, “I am unloved, I am unwanted, and I am not cherished,” are a few of the lies that might reverberate in a woman’s mind.

The Bible, however, tells us that Satan is the father of lies in John 8:44. Women who have been rejected by their fathers must diligently identify lies and counter them with the truth of God’s word.

6. Replace Lies with Truth

In Romans 12:2 (NIV) it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

In order to distinguish between the truth and a lie, we must know what truth is. This means we must be intentional about reading what God says about His love for us in His word.

If we know that John 3:16 (NIV) says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life,” then we can use that truth to debunk the lie that says we are not loved.

The devil would have us believe we are not loved so that we won’t experience the abundant love God wants to give us. We must refuse to accept the lies and cling to truth.

7. Choose Joy

In this life, no one is exempt from experiencing pain. Sometimes the pain we experience deceives us into thinking that our pain is much worse than that of another. Whereas this may be true, we must accept the reality that God has allowed the pain we experience in our lives for a reason. He has a purpose and a plan for everything, including the rejection of a father.  In saying that, we have a choice in how we respond. Although it may be tempting to wallow in the pain, this will not propel us forward. God’s word offers a suggestion that is the antithesis of this. In Philippians 4:4 (NIV) the apostle Paul commands us to, “Rejoice in the Lord always...”

This option may seem unrealistic when we consider our circumstances, however, when we look to Christ and reflect on His suffering, we are able to gain a new perspective on pain.  God is able to use the pain from a father's rejection to mature our faith, as it says in James 1:2-3. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

In addition to producing Christ-like character in us, God is able to use our healed hearts to encourage others.  I am evidence of this truth, and if you have experienced the rejection of a father, He can do this incredible work in your life too.

https://www.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/john-stackhouse-the-dirty-truth-about-honoraria-2029?ref=PreachingArticleDetails?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button&utm_campaign=scbpu20190603&maropost_id=742347701&mpweb=256-8011155-742347701

The Dirty Truth About Honoraria
By John Stackhouse on Jun 3, 2019

The way some Christian churches and other organizations pay their speakers, it makes me embarrassed to be a member of the same faith.  A friend of mine is a gifted staff worker with a well-known Christian organization on a university campus. He is married with three young children and works hard and long at his job. Frequently, he is asked to speak at churches’ youth retreats or special events sponsored by other groups. Rarely is he paid well for what is, in fact, overtime work for audiences other than the one that pays his regular salary.  One weekend, he left his family to speak at a retreat for more than 100 young people, each of whom paid to go away to a well-furnished camp for three days. My friend gave four talks and participated in a question and answer session a typical and demanding schedule. But his work didn’t end there, of course. Retreat speakers are “on call” all weekend for impromptu counseling, offering advice over mealtimes and modeling what they preach on the volleyball court or around the campfire. Make no mistake: There is very little relaxing in that role, however restful the retreat might be for everyone else.  An isolated and extreme example?

Not at all. Every professional Christian speaker has stories like these.So at the end of this tiring weekend, at the close of the Sunday luncheon, the leader of the group thanked him profusely at the front of the dining hall (he had gone over very well). Then he tossed the speaker a T-shirt emblazoned with the group’s logo while everyone clapped. It took my friend several minutes to realize that this shirt was his total payment for the weekend’s work. He got in his car, without even a check for gasoline, and headed back to his waiting family. 

A widely respected author was asked to headline a fundraising banquet for a women’s organization. She prepared a talk on the subject requested, left her husband and children at home, drove herself in the family car across the city to the site of the meal, chatted with her tablemates, and then delivered her speech. Again, it was apparent from the applause and the warm remarks that greeted her when she took her seat that she had done her job well.  The evening ended, and the speaker was saying her goodbyes. The convenor then appeared in a gush of appreciation. “Your talk was just excellent,” she said. “Exactly what we wanted. Thank you so much for coming!”

Then, by way of payment, she grandly swept her arm over the room and said, “Just help yourself to one of the table centerpieces.”

We Christians have two problems in this regard. One might be remedied by an article such as this one. The other can be fixed only by the Holy Spirit.  The former problem is that most people who invite speakers are not themselves professional speakers and so honestly don’t know how much is involved in doing this work well. So let’s price it out straightforwardly and consider whether we pay people properly in the light of this analysis.  A speaker first has to receive the invitation, work with the inviter to clarify and agree upon terms (usually this takes correspondence back and forth), and confirm the date. Then the speaker has to prepare the talk. Sometimes, a speaker can pull a prepared text out of a file, but usually at least some fresh preparation is necessary to fit the talk to this particular group and its context. (And let’s remember that the speaker at some time did indeed have to prepare this talk from scratch, so the inviting group does have a share in the responsibility for that preparation since they will be benefiting from it.) The speaker concludes her preparation by printing out her notes and perhaps also prepares a photocopied outline or overhead slides or PowerPoint presentation for the benefit of the group.  Next, the speaker must make her travel arrangements and then actually travel. Most of this time is not productive: Airports and airplanes are not designed to aid serious work (unless the inviting group springs for first-class seats and airport lounges an uncommon practice), and driving one’s car is almost entirely useless time.  The speaker arrives and then has to wait for her particular slot. She finally gives her presentation, waits for everything to conclude and returns home. If she is out of town, normally she will have to spend at least one night in a hotel room, probably sleeping badly in a strange bed and, again, spending time in transit that is largely unproductive.  Count up all of those hours. Not just the forty minutes she actually spoke at the banquet, or the four hours she was actually in front of the microphone during a weekend conference, but the many, many hours spent in the service of the inviting group from start to finish. Divide those hours into the honorarium, assuming her costs are covered (as they sometimes aren’t for shame!), and you have the true wage the group paid her.

One speaker I know was asked to speak at a weekend conference requiring of her three plenary talks plus a couple of panel sessions. She would have to travel by plane for several hours and leave her family behind. The honorarium she was offered?

Expenses plus $300. Her husband heard of it and replied with a rueful smile, “I’ll pay you three hundred bucks to stay home with us."

Here’s yet another way to look at it. A speaker was asked to give the four major speeches at the annual meeting of a national Christian organization. He was also asked to come two days earlier than the staff meeting in order to address the national board twice. In return, he was offered travel expenses and accommodation for himself and his wife at the group’s posh conference center of which they were extremely proud.  So the speaker asked for an honorarium of $2000 for the five days he would be away plus all of the time he would spend in preparation for this large responsibility. The group’s president immediately withdrew the invitation, saying he was charging too much. Is this good stewardship by a Christian nonprofit corporation?

Or is it something else?

One wonders about the “something else” when one looks closer to home and examines the typical honoraria given to preachers who fill pulpits when pastors are on vacation. Most churches now pay $100 or so, although I know of many, including both mainline and smaller evangelical congregations, who still pay less.  Let us ask ourselves, before God, how we can justify paying a guest preacher a mere hundred bucks. He has to accept the invitation and get clear on his various duties from the person who invites him. He has to prepare the sermon again, even if he is going to preach one he has preached before, he still has to decide upon which one to preach and then prepare to preach it well on this occasion. He has to travel to our church and take his place with the other worship leaders. He has to preach the sermon and greet people afterwards. Then he has to drive home.  Time it out, and it’s likely ten hours or more that he has invested in our church. We offer him a hundred dollars, and that works out to ten bucks an hour a little more than minimum wage. He has to pay all of the taxes on that, so now he’s taking home between fifty and sixty dollars. Is that what we think our preachers are worth?

Let’s look at this from another angle. The average congregation isn’t large, so let’s suppose that about 200 people are to hear that sermon. By offering the preacher even $150 (which is more than most churches pay), we’re saying that his sermon is worth less than a dollar for each person who hears it.  The notion, however, that spiritual or theological or other “Christian” expertise should not be paid for is utterly foreign to the Bible. From the Old Testament requirements that generous provision be made for the priests to Paul’s commands in the New Testament that pastoral workers are worthy of their wages and should be paid such (I Corinthians 9), the Bible believes that people in such occupations are worthy of both esteem and financial support. Indeed, we show our esteem precisely in the financial support we give them. We think our physical health matters, so we pay good money for good physicians. How much does our spiritual health matter?

Well, let’s see what we typically pay for it. We are, in fact, putting our money where our mouth is.  Thus, we encounter the latter problem, the one that only the Holy Spirit of God can address. It might be that we pay Christian speakers badly because we were unaware of all that is involved in preparing and delivering an excellent speech. Okay. But now that we know better, we should pay better. The latter problem of simply undervaluing such Christian service, however, is a problem in our hearts, not our heads. And the Bible is plain: We undervalue our spiritual teachers at the peril of undervaluing the divine truth they bring us. God frowns on such parsimony.  Indeed, God has threatened one day to mete out to each of us our appropriate wages for such behavior. And those wages will make even a T-shirt or a table centerpiece look pretty good.

Jesus Is on Your Side
Apr 09, 2019 | Guest Writer

Today's Truth

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  Luke 22:31-32, NIV

Friend to Friend

If I made a list of all the things that I want to thank Jesus for, this wonderful display of grace would be at the top. I mean seriously, here Jesus is, about to be abandoned, arrested, persecuted and executed, and what does He do? 

He prays for Simon Peter’s faith and assures Him that even though the waters are about to get stirred up, he’ll pass through them. The waves will not overwhelm him or obliterate his faith, even if he might feel like he’s going under.  You want to know what just wrecks me?

Knowing that Jesus, who now sits at the right hand of God and is interceding for us, has prayed specifically for me, that my faith may not fail. Consider the fact He’s doing the very same thing for you, right here and now in this moment. Amazing, right?

Jesus is on your side. He is with and for you, leading you to move forward through every trial and tribulation. I know there are times where it might not feel like it, but it’s the truth. Even when we feel worn out, tired, hopeless, afraid, abandoned and forgotten, Christ is standing right beside us. We are not alone in this journey and Jesus isn’t going to let our faith fail. As John Piper so eloquently put it in a recent sermon, “God guards his children by preserving and sustaining their faith Himself.”

Our faith may falter and change from season to season, but we can rest in knowing that God is the One guarding and strengthening us. Because He who began a good work in us will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6). Hallelujah, Amen. Thank you, Jesus. We don’t have to go it alone.  And so, when the doctor whispers the diagnosis you never wanted to hear. When a close friend or family member says they’ve stopped loving you. When a peaceful vacation turns into a nightmare full of disappointments. When your employer gives the promotion that they promised you to someone else. When you feel like you’ll never be the man or woman you used to be. Remember, you are not alone, and your faith is not going to fail, because Jesus is praying for you. Oh, and I am too.

Get Over Yourself, Already!
Apr 04, 2019 | Gwen Smith

Today's Truth

Jabez called upon the God of Israel, saying, “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border...”  1 Chronicles 4:10 ESV

Friend to Friend

Years ago I worked with a woman in Nashville named Cindy. She was a no-nonsense publisher for a major music company. Each month she listened to the songs I wrote and gave honest, constructive feedback that required this  songwriter-chick to have thick skin and wear big-girl-panties. She was salt and light to me in the work place, but not in ways that I expected or necessarily appreciated at the time.  I didn’t always love what she had to say.  Total honesty?

She. Scared. Me. Silly.  I wrestled with her strong, bristly opinions while at the same time grew from the pruning of her wise, professional words. She challenged me toward greater excellence and she wasn’t afraid to speak difficult words of truth.  One thing I will never forget: as she listened to the new songs I wrote, she regularly insisted that I was a “worship leader/worship writer” instead of a Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) writer/artist. Drove me bananas because I was SURE I was a CCM writer/artist.  Over the years, Cindy and I became friends and eventually, I came to realize that she was right. I am a worship leader and worship writer. And it’s not only who I am, it’s who I always was. Even when I didn’t know it and insisted otherwise.  Cindy died in her early fifties.  Cancer stole her from us.  A few nights before she went on to be with the Lord, a large group of Nashville’s finest songwriters gathered at her bedside to celebrate her life that was salty and bright for Jesus. To thank her for her impact, share stories, and sacredly sing her to the other side of glory. A knot held my throat captive as I watched the gathering online via video. What a legacy. Cindy poured wisdom into so many people, she said and did things that caused others to think big thoughts about God, and spurred them on toward excellence.  She lived a life of influence because she was intentional about being salt and light in my life and in the lives of many others.  I want to die like that.  I want to live like that.  Don’t you?

In the Bible, a man named Jabez asked God for all the influence God would give him. Jabez called upon the God of Israel, saying, “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!” And God granted what he asked” (1 Chronicles 4:10).

Jabez wanted to live with impact to the max.  He pleaded to be a difference maker. I’m right there with him.  We all have influence. The question is will we use our influence to sway our friends toward an awesome movie or will we influence them toward our awesome God?

Will we choose to live in a way that causes our unbelieving neighbor or co-worker to want to hear more about Jesus?

Will we teach a young wife to understand how to respect her husband, or help a young mom realize that God is honored when she nurtures her demanding, thankless children?

Will we help the weary parent of a prodigal see that her child’s rebellion is not her failure and not her child’s final faith chapter?

It all begins with a choice.  If we want to be women of impact, we need to live with our eyes wide open to God-opportunities.  We need to get beyond our own agendas and move in the direction of HIS agenda.  It is not about doing more of what you are already doing it is about listening to the whispers of Jesus in the middle of the grocery store, or at the nail salon, or in your cubicle, in the next pew, in your living room, or classroom.  Being a woman of impact is not about doing more each day, it’s about living to be led by Jesus with the days you’re given.  It all begins with a choice.  If we want to be women of impact, we need to live with our eyes wide open to God-opportunities. We do that when we get beyond our own agendas and ask God what HIS agenda is. Let’s ask God to bless us and enlarge the borders of our influence for Him today!

https://www.ibelieve.com/motherhood/8-ways-to-help-your-kids-through-a-season-of-loss.html?utm_source=iBelieve%20Daily%20Update&utm_campaign=iBelieve%20Daily%20Update&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2835246&bcid=e4f33018031efea91984e31e0247e4cf&recip=534639123%20

8 Ways to Help Your Kids through a Season of Loss
Jen Ferguson

A few summers ago, our family lost six people and our children attended no less than three funerals.  To say the summer was challenging and heart-breaking is a vast understatement. At seemingly every turn, we were bombarded with deep thoughts, hard questions, and unpredictable emotions.  If God loves us, why did He let Nani die?

Since her father died, does that mean Dad will die when I’m young, too?

She was such a good person. Why didn’t God choose to save her?

How come some people are able to overcome addiction, but others give back into it?

No matter the type of loss or the depth of grief associated with it, kids need ways to cope. It can be overwhelming to think of helping our kids at the same time we are managing our own grief. The airplane-oxygen mask analogy is overused, but only because it’s applicable in so many situations. We can’t truly help our kids through their grief if we are unwilling to help ourselves through our own. Thus, if you’re grieving the same loss as your kids, you must make sure you have your own support system in place.  Here are 8 ways to help your kids through a season of loss:

1. Let them process without interrupting.

Your kids may say things they don’t really think are true, but instead of interrupting them to question their thought patterns, just let them go on. Chances are, they will most likely arrive at what they really think just by getting everything out, especially if they are external processors. This also reinforces for them that you are a safe place to share anything that comes into their minds because they aren’t afraid of your judgement.  Grief is often messy and feels chaotic, so not holding the expectation that they should always feel a certain way at a certain time releases the pressure of the situation. And a good thing to remember emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. We feel how we feel and that’s okay.

2. Don’t take things personally.

Grief, no matter how hard we try to manage it, comes out sideways sometimes. The anger kids feel about loss gets directed at us. Grief is best handled with an extra dose of grace. While it’s important to help kids understand the root of their anger, pointing this out at every turn may have the opposite effect we want.  Sometimes our own grief will manifest itself as anger, too. When this happens, apologize and explain to your kids what’s happening inside you. This helps them to better understand they are not the true targets and makes them more aware of how their own sideways grief may impact the people around them.

3. Let them see you cry.

We do a disservice to our kids when we aren’t real about our own emotions. Kids often take their grief cues from us. They know it’s okay to cry if we cry. They know it’s okay to talk about the loss if we talk about the loss. Yes, we need to make sure our kids don’t feel responsible for helping us to manage our emotions, but we can show sadness without overwhelming them with our own grief.

4. Help them build a support network.

Sometimes, we aren’t the ones our kids want to talk through when the hard things of life happen. Make sure your kids know there are other people that are safe to talk with who can help them through grief. For example, youth group leaders, trusted teachers, and friends’ parents are all people who you may ask to be a safe place for your child to process. Loss leaves a big hole and while no one can replace the person who has died, it’s so important for kids to know they are not alone. Many churches and non-profits have resources for support as well, such as grief support groups. Don’t forget to find and utilize your own network, too.

5. Be comfortable with their grieving styles and questions.

Sometimes we think everyone should grieve the way we do. But the truth is, everyone will handle loss a little bit (or a lot) differently than we will. Some will need to talk about it, some will want to be left alone. Many will express grief through sadness and tears, but sometimes grief also comes out in anger, harsh words, and hard questions. Some kids may want to dive right back into normal life, while others need to press the pause button for a time.  Speaking of questions, don’t be afraid to ask some of your kids. Checking in on them whether they embrace this or not shows that you care and that you genuinely empathize with their feelings of loss; that you desire to comfort them in their time of pain. If you feel like they aren’t able to talk about their pain, even when they are consistently given a safe space to do so, offer journaling or art as another way of expression.

6. Remember together.

Sometimes kids are afraid to talk about the ones they’ve lost, especially if they fear the reactions of the adults around them. But encouraging kids to talk about their memories helps everyone through their grief process.  Remembering helps us to appreciate how valuable the one we lost was to our lives and keeps their spirit alive in our memories and hearts. Encouraging your kids to write down these memories (or if their young, making a memory book with them) will continue to serve them well and provide comfort.

7. Create space for positivity.

Kids may feel ashamed if they find themselves laughing for feeling joy in the season of loss. But these are things that make hard times more bearable. Letting kids know that it’s actually good to laugh and still be able to enjoy life gives them permission to simply take things as they come. The activities in which they love to participate can still be part of their lives and actually serve to foster the grief process, not detract from it.

8. Prepare for milestones.

The “year of firsts” is incredibly hard for anyone who has experienced loss. Acknowledging that these events will be hard going into them brings validity to your kids’ emotions. Talking about your own past experiences with grief may help kids prepare for how they may feel when they reach these milestones. But here’s the thing: sometimes it’s not the exact day that’s the hardest. Knowing that there may be grief triggers before or after the event prepares you for the fact that grief is unpredictable and often comes in waves. And when the waves come, it’s usually better to ride the tide than to try to stop them.  This brings us to this very truth: one way or another, grief will come out of us in either healthy or unhealthy ways. The more space and time we give ourselves and our kids to process naturally, the more opportunities we will have to process in healthy ways.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/137775-7-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-major-loss-in-life

7 Tips For Moving On After A Major Loss In Life
By Carolyn Steber
Jan 26 2016

There's nothing worse than losing someone or something you care about. Whether you're going through a breakup or dealing with the death of a family member, moving on after loss is not easy. In fact, it's an understatement to say that dealing with loss is painful, and that it takes forever to heal. But, with a little effort, it is possible to move forward with your life.  On the way to feeling better, you may go through several (annoying) phases of grief, although these phases are not typical for everyone. The traditional five stages of grief that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance came from psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book, On Death and Dying.  But, as it turns out, it's not always that cut and dry. "In recent years researchers and experts have found little evidence that these stages exist. People who bounce back after a death, divorce or other traumatic loss often don't follow this sequence. Instead, many of them strive to actively move forward," noted Elizabeth Bernstein in an article on for the Wall Street Journal.

So instead of sitting back and waiting for stages to happen (or not happen), it's much better to take matters into your own hands. If you're interested in speeding up the process, or at least coping as best you can, then here are some tips for dealing with loss, and hopefully moving forward.

1. Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions

Loss is painful, scary, and upsetting. It's no wonder many people tamp it all down and ignore their feelings. But unresolved grief can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems, according to Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., on Helpguide.org."Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it," they say.

So let it all out cry, wallow, and vent as much as you need to. It's way more healthy than holding it all in.

2. Tell Everyone How You Feel, Because You're Allowed To Grieve

In today's society, we're expected to dust ourselves off, put on a clean shirt, and get back to life as soon as possible. But centuries ago, people would fully succumb to their grief, even going so far as to wear black mourning clothes for months at a time. It sounds like a genius idea, and one I wish was still in place today. According to Jana Riess on HuffingtonPost.com, "... the purpose of the all-black fashion regimen was to give the bereaved survivors some much-needed cultural latitude. The clothes they wore practically screamed, 'The following person requires a wide berth. Don't take it personally if she is distracted, or he is brusque. It's not about you.'"

Of course you don't have to wear a literal black veil, but you should be open about needing time to feel better. The more honest you are about your sadness, the more people will respect your needs.

3. Turn To People Who Care About You Most

You may want to fall into bed with no intentions of ever returning to polite society again, and that's OK to do for a while. But you should eventually let people back into your life, especially since doing so can help you move on. According to Edward T. Creagan, M.D., on MayoClinic.com, "Spending some time alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a confidant, a spiritual leader all can help you along the journey of healing. Allow loved ones and other close contacts to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry."

4. Take Care Of Yourself, No Matter What

When you're throwing yourself around your apartment and staring out rain-streaked windows, it can be easy to let things like "food" and "sleep" slip your mind. Make sure you eat, get plenty of rest, and do things that are soothing and comforting. As Lynn Newman notes on TinyBuddha.com, "The shock of loss to all of our bodies emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual is superb. Our bodies need to be fed during this time, in order to handle such trauma. Self-care is personal, but I did the things I knew my body wanted: Lots of baths, fresh pressed organic juices, exercising, journaling, reading inspiring books, talking with friends, getting out in sunshine, taking walks, and learning to nurture myself."

Figure out what you need to do to feel healthy, and make sure you do it.

5. "Numb" Yourself With Positive Things (Drugs Not Included)

It's important to avoid numbing yourself with substances, according to the health website NHS.UK. While drugs and alcohol may offer a short vacation from the agony, in the end they will only make you feel worse. Not to mention that abusing drugs while you're sad can lead to addition problems down the road. So instead of turning to wine or bottles of Xanax, seek out counseling, turn to exercising, or start volunteering as a healthier way of distracting yourself.

6. Recognize That Time Doesn't Heal All, And That's OK

It may be hard to believe in the moment, but everyone keeps on trucking every day despite major losses in life. And you can, too. As Creagan notes, "Remember that time helps, but it might not cure. Time has the ability to make that acute, searing pain of loss less intense and to make your red-hot emotions less painful but your feelings of loss and emptiness might never completely go away. Accepting and embracing your new 'normal' might help you reconcile your losses."

7. Don't Let Anyone Tell You How To Feel

Everyone deals with loss differently, so there's no "right" way to feel when faced with a heaping pile of grief. Maybe you're a crying mess, or a totally hilarious joke cracking machine. Wherever you fall on the spectrum is fine, regardless of what people say. As Smith and Segal note, "Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to 'move on' or 'get over it.' Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment."

Dealing with loss is not easy, but there are ways to take care of yourself and make it (slightly) easier.

THE RICH FAMILY IN CHURCH
By Eddie Ogan

I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.  By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.  When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1.  We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.  Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.  The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change.  We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.  That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.  We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet.  But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.  When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.  As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.  Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night.  We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.  That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn out shoes and felt so ashamed I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!  I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money?

We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.  Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?"

We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week.  Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering.  When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church."

Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."

We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so?

From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!