Jokes

[Lost Soul]

My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea.  He got his mom's phone. They found me immediately when my cellphone started ringing.

[PippaJane]

 

[PippaJane]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes  north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude....?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[Cocopops]

OUR PETS DURING QUARANTINE

DOGS:  Please don't walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.  This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel.  Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.  Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."

CATS:  Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.  Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now??

The human has been working from the day in the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing to keep their company together.  Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We're becoming cats!

[Cocopops]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad.

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Cocopops]

CANINE & FELINE BLOGS
By Dave Tippett

IZZY THE CAT'S BLOG
 
- Day, um, I don’t really know, of my human’s working from home thingy: My human lifted me up to his webcam thingy for like the billionth time to show me to his co-workers. Again. And again. Yo, cat here, Need my 18 hours of sleep each day. Don’t need the constant interruptions. Stupid dog gets to just lie there. Stupid dog.
 
- Another day: Got to be outside. Went mousing. Found one. He protested. Oh well. Yum. Now, I will proudly deliver the remains to my human’s doorstep. I am confident they will be honored by this gesture in their time of need.

Stupid dog.
 
- Day number who knows: Whilst in a marathon grooming session, I watch my human freaking out. His toilet paper supply dwindles. He knows not the joy of no TP. Wait. He eyes my litter box with envious eyes. Rut ro. Dog smiles. Keep smiling, genius. Keep smiling.
 
- Days drag on: I stalk a floating piece of old fur. It tasks me, and I must catch it. I do. Nothing. I look around. Then suddenly decide I need to be in the next room immediately. My human looks lonely typing at his computer. I jump up to give companionship and comfort. My gesture is returned with shouts of “spreadsheet ruined!” Whatever. Dog barks at the air for like the millionth time. Has the IQ of a pea. More later.
 
- Day whatever: My human is starting to get weird. Weirder. An almost empty box in his office becomes my new fortress. “Fort Izzy”. I sit in it and stare. My human yells about important papers I am sitting on. I ignore. Sitting and staring in a box. It’s required. He knows not this law and tosses me. I protest, yet knowing I’ll return to my kingdom later. Stupid dog wishes he had such a fort. “Fort Stupid” for him.
 
- Counting the days: my human is ignoring my pleas for continuous petting and unbridled attention. He’s talking to the faces on his computer thingy again. I jump from his lap and stroll to the new coach. My claws feel dull. I eye the fresh fabric. He calls something to me. I take it as permission to proceed. This will learn him. Heaven.
 
- Days and days: Enemy candles, pictures, and such get in the way of my walking on the mantle. Swat. Crash. He yells. I start to swat. He warns. I pause. Then, with eye contact, swat again. Victory is mine and I run. Onto cord chewing. This brings attention as well. Sweet attention.
   
MY DOG BRANDY'S BLOG:

- It’s a Day, I don’t really know: I lay in wait. There, I hear another one. An unauthorized vehicle coming down my road!! I jump into action at the window! “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”  I stop as it escapes. Lucky for it. My human, who is talking to his computer thingy again, shouts words at me that can only be ones of thankfulness. Cat stares at me. I assume the best. I run over and sniff her vigorously to make sure it’s really her. Ouch.
 
- Another day I think: My human has many faces on his computer thingy. The cat is being shown to them again. I smile. Cat is mad. I am happy. Thump thump thump goes my tail. I lay down and sleep. Dreams of running after demon squirrels fill my mind.  I awake and all faces are now looking at me and laughing. I assume the best. Thump thump thump. Cat gives me the paw. I smile. I love her.
 
- Day has numbers I think: My human seems upset. Pointing his finger at me and saying stuff loudly. I am not sure why. I told him many times I had to go out. He was talking on his phone thingy while typing and stuff. I did not want to explode so I went inside. He wants me to feel guilty I guess. I comply. Sad face. Contrite, while thinking a squirrel is just a tennis ball thrown by God. Cat licks herself like all the time. Squirrels.
 
- Days and stuff: My human sits on the floor with his computer thingy. I must sit on his lap, it’s required. Peanut butter is next I hope. Oh oh. Another vehicle I sense. “Hey! Hey! Hey!” Nothing. Just a practice run. Cat jumped high. I am happy.

[PippaJane]

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.  "Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked.

"I did, and that's what got me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it."

[heartbroken]

Customer on phone: "We need to order some four-by-twos."

Lumber clerk: "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

Customer: "Let me check ..." <silence> "... Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

Clerk: "All right. How long do you need them?"

Customer: "I'd better go check ..." <silence> "... A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[heartbroken]

A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre!  He managed to smuggle the artwork past security but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.  When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied:  "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)

[PippaJane]

I walked into doctor's office and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor replied, "Well, don't go there any more."

[PippaJane]

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says: "There's a calendar behind you."

[Admin]

On the first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.  He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.  The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

[Admin]

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.  She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.  "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me what do you think of my grandchildren?"

[Cocopops]

Caller: "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."

Help Desk: "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."

Caller: "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

[Cocopops]

YOUR CONVENIENT LETTER FROM CAMP TEMPLATE

By Patty Baribeau

Dear Son/Daughter,

We know you're busy having a lot of fun at camp, so we've decided to make it easy to write and tell us how you are doing.  Please read the following statements and circle the most accurate ending for each.

Dear Dad and Mom,

I...
   a) am having a great time at camp.
   b) can't bear to think of all the chores I'm missing at home.
   c) have been kidnapped by strange alien creatures from the planet Zork.

Every morning I...
   a) jump out of bed and sing a good morning song to my cabin mates.
   b) pray for energy to get out of bed.
   c) require a tow truck and three cranes to lift me out of my bunk.

The activities...
   a) are exciting and fun.
   b) make me wish I were home doing schoolwork.
   c) include top-secret military maneuvers I am not at liberty to discuss.

My favorite activity is...
   a) cabin clean-up.
   b) drawing smiley faces on all my mosquito bites.
   c) starting food fights in the dining hall.

The food...
   a) is delicious and nutritious.
   b) includes culinary classics like "roadkill ravioli" and "garbage goulash."
   c) moves so fast I can't stab it with my fork.

When I go swimming...
   a) I have a great time.
   b) I have to fight off snapping turtles and camper-eating monsters.
   c) I freeze into a block of ice and need to be wrapped in electric blankets for several hours to thaw.

The mosquitoes...
   a) don't bug me because my super-smart Mom packed great anti-mosquito defense mechanisms.
   b) have figured out how to turn off my anti-mosquito defense mechanisms.
   c) have "camper" at the top of their menus.

My counselor...
   a) is firm, kind, and a good role model.
   b) just graduated from military school, after earning an award for "most aggressive disciplinary measures."
   c) communicates through a strange electronic device to someone called "High Zorkian Commander."

The other campers...
   a) are fun and friendly.
   b) smell like bug spray.
   c) are starting to turn green, grow pointed ears, and mumble in a strange language.

At night I...
   a) fall asleep right away because I've had a fun and exciting day at camp.
   b) stay up until midnight playing with my flashlight.
   c) can't sleep because of strange noises and flashing green lights from the disc-shaped objects landing outside the cabin window.

This week I learned...
   a) many wonderful truths about God's Word.
   b) ten wild practical jokes to play on an unsuspecting counselor.
   c) how to identify alien spacecraft.

In the future, I will look back on this week of camp...
   a) as a wonderful time of fun, new friends, and learning about the Lord.
   b) as the only way I ever got out of chores for a whole week.
   c) as an interesting study of extraterrestrial life-forms.

               Love,

                  a) your homesick child
                  b) a happy camper
                  c) Zorkian prisoner #79630