Jokes

[heartbroken]

THE VALENTINE'S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy or else.

IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems with our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house without first puttin' down the remote and learnin' how to use a paintbrush!

X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

[heartbroken]

BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE'S DAY

~ The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?

~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.

~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the very best.

~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!

~ I didn't know you liked jewelry.

~ I thought we would do something different this year.

~ You didn't remind me.

[Lost Soul]

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.  Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.  The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?"

"She didn't say anything."

[Lost Soul]

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?”

“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny.

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?”

“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

[PippaJane]

 

[PippaJane]

REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

We have silver in our hair.

We have gold in our teeth.

We have stones in our kidneys.

We have lead in our feet and...

We are loaded with natural gas.

[heartbroken]

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.  Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.  "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"One hundred and one." 

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

[PippaJane]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.  "Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.

"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.

"Well is he any good?" the guy asks.

"Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."

[Lost Soul]

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

The congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

The congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and the rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

After the sermon, the preacher sat down. The deacon stood up: "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We Shall Gather at the River.'"

[PippaJane]

 

[Cocopops]

The comments of an experienced mother:  "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children.  Now I have six children and no theories!"

[Cocopops]

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.

Second Mouse: How so?

First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

[heartbroken]

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.  "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

[PippaJane]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish - on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.  I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

[Cocopops]

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.  "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.  My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.  After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've spent the winter in Florida."