C-W-B
General => General Discussion => Fun, Games And Silliness => Topic started by: PippaJane on June 19, 2019, 11:02:27 PM
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The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas. The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"
A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C."
The teacher gave him an A+.
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."
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Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: "Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?"
The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, "Do you really want to know?"
"Yes" the girl replied.
The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, "Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny."
The little girl looked at her in amazement, "How do you get to ALL of those houses???"
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One day while driving through a neighborhood near his church, Pastor John saw a little boy on a front porch, struggling trying to reach the doorbell.
Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, "Now what do we do?"
"Now," the boy said, laughing, "we run!"
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A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."
From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him! They had a whole "conversation." He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered. He was fascinated. Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Just then it dawned on them.
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A guy hears a knock at the door. He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street. Five years go by. One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail. The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"
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The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"
After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"
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It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive. "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."
Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
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Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
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A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S†on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he’s flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, †Look at that S-Car-Go!â€
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A man goes into a dentist's office.
Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."
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If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity you will appreciate this story. A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache. He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table and taken the sheet on provided on the table and pulled it over his body and head and had stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"
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It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"
"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
"Oh," says the waitress.
She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."
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Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said, "it's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged, "I'm a fisherman."
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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper:
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
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A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"
He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball. The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men's tee?!
At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"
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A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap. The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"
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THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it's true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
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Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said "you're just a frog- you can't fly!"
The frog knew that he didn't want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought. "I got an idea!" the frog said.
He found a long stick. "You two hold this stick in your claws and I'll hold on to the middle."
"With what?" the geese asked. "Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!"
"With my mouth" said the frog, proud of his idea.
So the geese put the stick in their claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully. A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, "What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?"
The frog proudly exclaimed "I did!"
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A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home."
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One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off. He said that the people of the church were God's sheep. Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?" (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)
After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd."
The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?"
The boy frowned thoughtfully. "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?â€
The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!â€
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Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits. After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
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The Teacher's Assignment
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Sarah."
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the **** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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The Sheep Farmer
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."
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PRESS RELEASE
IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be more productive. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.
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NO ROOM IN THE INN, except...
Wally was nine years old and in the second grade, though he should have been in the fourth. He was big and clumsy, slow in movement and mind, but well-liked by the other children in class, all of whom were smaller than he. At the time the boys did have trouble hiding their irritation when the uncoordinated Wally would ask to play ball with them. He would stand by not sulking, but hoping always a helpful boy, willing and smiling, the natural protector of any child he felt was being mistreated. As Christmas time approached, plans were made for the annual school pageant. Children were being assigned their parts angels, shepherds, wise men, Mary, Joseph. Wally stood by expectantly then suddenly his joy knew no bounds, for he heard the teacher say, "Wally, I want you to be the Innkeeper." (Not many lines to learn, she reasoned and his size would make his refusal of lodging to Joseph even more forceful.)
Little did that teacher dream the lesson that such a tenderhearted boy would teach to all who would attend that program! Then came rehearsals the shepherd staffs and manger, beards, crowns, halos, and a stageful of squeaky voices. Most caught up in the magic of the night was Wally. He would stand in the wings, watch the performance with fascination; his teacher had to make sure he did not wander on stage before his cue. Came the long-awaited night and Wally stood, holding a lantern, by the door of the Inn, watching as the children who portrayed Mary and Joseph came near him. "What do you want?" Wally asked with a brusque gesture.
"We seek lodging."
"Seek it elsewhere the inn is filled."
"Sir, we have asked everywhere in vain. We have traveled far and are very weary."
"There is no room in this inn for you." Wally looked properly stern.
"Please, good Innkeeper, this is my wife. She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest. Surely you must have some small corner for her. She is so tired."
Now, for the first time, the Innkeeper relaxed his stiff stance and looked down at Mary. With that there was a long pause the audience became a bit tense. "No! Begone!" the prompter whispered from the wings.
"No! Begone!" Wally repeated automatically.
Joseph sadly placed his arms around Mary, and Mary laid her head upon her husband's shoulder, and the two of them started to move away. The Innkeeper did not return inside his Inn, however. Wally stood there in the doorway, watching the forlorn couple. His mouth was open, his brow creased with concern, his eyes filling unmistakably with tears. And suddenly this Christmas pageant became different from all others. "Don't go, Joseph", Wally called out. "Bring Mary back." And Wally's face grew into a bright smile. "You can have my room!"
A burst of laughter then silence then tears flowed freely as the message came through to the listeners. Wally, the boy considered "slow", had made room for Jesus. He could not turn Mary and Joseph away God's only begotten Son would be welcomed by him! His tender heart had made room for the Savior.
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15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2020...
~ Jumping on the bandwagon
~ Wading through paperwork
~ Running around in circles
~ Pushing your luck
~ Playing in traffic
~ Spinning your wheels
~ Adding fuel to the fire
~ Beating your head against the wall
~ Climbing the walls
~ Beating your own drum
~ Dragging your heels
~ Jumping to conclusions
~ Grasping at straws
~ Fishing for compliments
~ Throwing your weight around
~ Passing the buck
~ Running with scissors
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An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather around his bedside. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we're building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."
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Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes - he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it."
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CAR CLASSIFIED AD CLAIMS
If the car ad claims . . . what it really means
~ rough condition . . . too bad to lie about
~ parts car . . . beyond repair
~ immaculate . . . recently washed
~ engine quiet . . . if you use 90-weight oil
~ needs minor overhaul . . . needs engine
~ needs a major overhaul . . . phone the junkyard
~ burns no oil . . . it all leaked out
~ rebuilt engine . . . cleaned the spark plugs
~ drive it away . . . I live on a hill
~ drive it anywhere . . . within 10 miles
~ desirable classic . . . no one wants it
~ rare classic . . . no one wanted it even when it was new
~ stored 20 years . . . in a farmer's field
~ ran when stored . . . won't start
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PUNS 'R US, part 1
~ A good pun is its own reword.
~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
~ A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
~ A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
~ My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
~ I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
~ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
~ Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
~ I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
~ I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
~ Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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PUNS 'R US, part 2
~ Without geometry, life is pointless.
~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.
~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
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:rofl:
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One night, a daughter brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Upon first sight, the parents were astounded and appalled by his appearance - leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose (and tongue they found out later at dinner). At a discreet time, the parents pulled their daughter aside and diplomatically told Candi, "We are not sure about him, he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."
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THE VALENTINE'S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems with our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house without first puttin' down the remote and learnin' how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.
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BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE'S DAY
~ The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?
~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.
~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the very best.
~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!
~ I didn't know you liked jewelry.
~ I thought we would do something different this year.
~ You didn't remind me.
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A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
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The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?â€
“I got it from my dad, Miss,†replies Johnny.
“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?â€
“Oh but I do,†says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.â€
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:rofl:
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REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and...
We are loaded with natural gas.
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In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker. "Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well is he any good?" the guy asks.
"Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
The congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
The congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and the rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
After the sermon, the preacher sat down. The deacon stood up: "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We Shall Gather at the River.'"
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:yes10:
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The comments of an experienced mother: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories!"
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First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.
Second Mouse: How so?
First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.
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An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish - on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've spent the winter in Florida."
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My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He got his mom's phone. They found me immediately when my cellphone started ringing.
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:rofl:
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude....?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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OUR PETS DURING QUARANTINE
DOGS: Please don't walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone. This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel. Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no†if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides. Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."
CATS: Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said. Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now??
The human has been working from the day in the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing to keep their company together. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We're becoming cats!
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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad.
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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CANINE & FELINE BLOGS
By Dave Tippett
IZZY THE CAT'S BLOG
- Day, um, I don’t really know, of my human’s working from home thingy: My human lifted me up to his webcam thingy for like the billionth time to show me to his co-workers. Again. And again. Yo, cat here, Need my 18 hours of sleep each day. Don’t need the constant interruptions. Stupid dog gets to just lie there. Stupid dog.
- Another day: Got to be outside. Went mousing. Found one. He protested. Oh well. Yum. Now, I will proudly deliver the remains to my human’s doorstep. I am confident they will be honored by this gesture in their time of need.
Stupid dog.
- Day number who knows: Whilst in a marathon grooming session, I watch my human freaking out. His toilet paper supply dwindles. He knows not the joy of no TP. Wait. He eyes my litter box with envious eyes. Rut ro. Dog smiles. Keep smiling, genius. Keep smiling.
- Days drag on: I stalk a floating piece of old fur. It tasks me, and I must catch it. I do. Nothing. I look around. Then suddenly decide I need to be in the next room immediately. My human looks lonely typing at his computer. I jump up to give companionship and comfort. My gesture is returned with shouts of “spreadsheet ruined!†Whatever. Dog barks at the air for like the millionth time. Has the IQ of a pea. More later.
- Day whatever: My human is starting to get weird. Weirder. An almost empty box in his office becomes my new fortress. “Fort Izzyâ€. I sit in it and stare. My human yells about important papers I am sitting on. I ignore. Sitting and staring in a box. It’s required. He knows not this law and tosses me. I protest, yet knowing I’ll return to my kingdom later. Stupid dog wishes he had such a fort. “Fort Stupid†for him.
- Counting the days: my human is ignoring my pleas for continuous petting and unbridled attention. He’s talking to the faces on his computer thingy again. I jump from his lap and stroll to the new coach. My claws feel dull. I eye the fresh fabric. He calls something to me. I take it as permission to proceed. This will learn him. Heaven.
- Days and days: Enemy candles, pictures, and such get in the way of my walking on the mantle. Swat. Crash. He yells. I start to swat. He warns. I pause. Then, with eye contact, swat again. Victory is mine and I run. Onto cord chewing. This brings attention as well. Sweet attention.
MY DOG BRANDY'S BLOG:
- It’s a Day, I don’t really know: I lay in wait. There, I hear another one. An unauthorized vehicle coming down my road!! I jump into action at the window! “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!†I stop as it escapes. Lucky for it. My human, who is talking to his computer thingy again, shouts words at me that can only be ones of thankfulness. Cat stares at me. I assume the best. I run over and sniff her vigorously to make sure it’s really her. Ouch.
- Another day I think: My human has many faces on his computer thingy. The cat is being shown to them again. I smile. Cat is mad. I am happy. Thump thump thump goes my tail. I lay down and sleep. Dreams of running after demon squirrels fill my mind. I awake and all faces are now looking at me and laughing. I assume the best. Thump thump thump. Cat gives me the paw. I smile. I love her.
- Day has numbers I think: My human seems upset. Pointing his finger at me and saying stuff loudly. I am not sure why. I told him many times I had to go out. He was talking on his phone thingy while typing and stuff. I did not want to explode so I went inside. He wants me to feel guilty I guess. I comply. Sad face. Contrite, while thinking a squirrel is just a tennis ball thrown by God. Cat licks herself like all the time. Squirrels.
- Days and stuff: My human sits on the floor with his computer thingy. I must sit on his lap, it’s required. Peanut butter is next I hope. Oh oh. Another vehicle I sense. “Hey! Hey! Hey!†Nothing. Just a practice run. Cat jumped high. I am happy.
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An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. "Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked.
"I did, and that's what got me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it."
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Customer on phone: "We need to order some four-by-twos."
Lumber clerk: "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
Customer: "Let me check ..." <silence> "... Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
Clerk: "All right. How long do you need them?"
Customer: "I'd better go check ..." <silence> "... A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre! He managed to smuggle the artwork past security but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas. When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)
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I walked into doctor's office and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor replied, "Well, don't go there any more."
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A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says: "There's a calendar behind you."
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On the first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?
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For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me what do you think of my grandchildren?"
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Caller: "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."
Help Desk: "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."
Caller: "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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YOUR CONVENIENT LETTER FROM CAMP TEMPLATE
By Patty Baribeau
Dear Son/Daughter,
We know you're busy having a lot of fun at camp, so we've decided to make it easy to write and tell us how you are doing. Please read the following statements and circle the most accurate ending for each.
Dear Dad and Mom,
I...
a) am having a great time at camp.
b) can't bear to think of all the chores I'm missing at home.
c) have been kidnapped by strange alien creatures from the planet Zork.
Every morning I...
a) jump out of bed and sing a good morning song to my cabin mates.
b) pray for energy to get out of bed.
c) require a tow truck and three cranes to lift me out of my bunk.
The activities...
a) are exciting and fun.
b) make me wish I were home doing schoolwork.
c) include top-secret military maneuvers I am not at liberty to discuss.
My favorite activity is...
a) cabin clean-up.
b) drawing smiley faces on all my mosquito bites.
c) starting food fights in the dining hall.
The food...
a) is delicious and nutritious.
b) includes culinary classics like "roadkill ravioli" and "garbage goulash."
c) moves so fast I can't stab it with my fork.
When I go swimming...
a) I have a great time.
b) I have to fight off snapping turtles and camper-eating monsters.
c) I freeze into a block of ice and need to be wrapped in electric blankets for several hours to thaw.
The mosquitoes...
a) don't bug me because my super-smart Mom packed great anti-mosquito defense mechanisms.
b) have figured out how to turn off my anti-mosquito defense mechanisms.
c) have "camper" at the top of their menus.
My counselor...
a) is firm, kind, and a good role model.
b) just graduated from military school, after earning an award for "most aggressive disciplinary measures."
c) communicates through a strange electronic device to someone called "High Zorkian Commander."
The other campers...
a) are fun and friendly.
b) smell like bug spray.
c) are starting to turn green, grow pointed ears, and mumble in a strange language.
At night I...
a) fall asleep right away because I've had a fun and exciting day at camp.
b) stay up until midnight playing with my flashlight.
c) can't sleep because of strange noises and flashing green lights from the disc-shaped objects landing outside the cabin window.
This week I learned...
a) many wonderful truths about God's Word.
b) ten wild practical jokes to play on an unsuspecting counselor.
c) how to identify alien spacecraft.
In the future, I will look back on this week of camp...
a) as a wonderful time of fun, new friends, and learning about the Lord.
b) as the only way I ever got out of chores for a whole week.
c) as an interesting study of extraterrestrial life-forms.
Love,
a) your homesick child
b) a happy camper
c) Zorkian prisoner #79630
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him."
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Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."
A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."
This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"
"Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam. He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages. One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two-word answer: "What chair?"
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A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
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There once was a magician who finally got his big break and got a job as a head-liner in Vegas. So, he was out doing his first performance and was just wowing the crowd! I mean they were eating this stuff up! Every trick he did had perfect timing; every trick came off so believable! He was on a roll. He got down to his last trick and asked for an audience member to assist him. Even with how well he was doing, everyone in the audience was still hesitant. Finally, he pointed to a man in the audience and reluctantly the man came forward. "Welcome sir! I will ask you to please take this mallet that I have here and, after I have laid my head on this block, I want you to smack me in the head with that mallet as hard as you can," the magician said.
Well, of course the man was shocked and refused to do it. The magician replied, "Sir, have I not wowed you tonight with my magic?"
"Well, yes you have but..."
"No buts, sir! Do you not trust that I am a professional magician that knows what he is doing?"
"I guess so," the man replied.
"Well then, when I say I want you to smack me on the head with this mallet then I mean it. Trust me sir, I know what I'm doing."
"Ok, I trust you."
So, the magician lays his head down on the block, the man from the audience raises the mallet, the crowd gasps, the man brings down the mallet on the magicians head and the magicians head is split clean open. Blood everywhere. The magician is rushed to the hospital not looking too well. After hours in surgery, the doctors explain that they have sewed up the magician's head but he is in a coma. They won't know anything until he wakes up. In the meantime, the man from the audience feels just horrible. He knows it's his fault. He stays by the magician's side every spare moment he gets. Reading to him, telling him stories, all in the hope that one day soon the magician will wake up and he can apologize for this horrible thing he has done. Four years this goes on. Then one day, out of the blue, the magician begins to stir. The man from the audience calls in the doctors and friends and family. Everyone is standing around the hospital bed waiting to see if he is going to be okay or if he can speak. The magician opens his eyes and attempts to sit up in bed. He looks around at all the loving attention he seems to be getting from his family and friends. He sits up all the way in bed and looks around once more and says, "TA-DAA!"
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THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)
3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)
6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O'golly Gee!)
7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principal)
8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)
9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)
10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)
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Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.
"Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"
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Joan: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
John: Does it upset you that much?
Joan: Not just me, the entire congregation.
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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for coffee. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No. He said 'Put your money away.'"
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They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted "I will as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
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Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school. [9mHer mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE."
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On a balmy day in New York, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos, khakis, and a round of golf. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
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In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots, sir, and count them yourself."
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
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A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.
"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."
"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.
"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."
"Guilty," snapped the judge.
"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.
"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"
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I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.
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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?"
He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
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"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
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I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne.
Life is great.
When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights."
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
-
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Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!"
"Why not?" asked the sibling.
"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"
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Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."
Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish but good."
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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A little girl went to church. She had a dollar and a quarter in her shiny little Sunday purse. When the collection plate came around, she dropped in her quarter. Later she explained to her mother: "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
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Bob was a Walmart greeter who was habitually late for work, but otherwise an excellent employee. Out of frustration concerning this gentleman's tardiness, the Walmart store manager called him in for a one-on-one meeting. "So," began the manager, "I understand you're retired from the armed forces. May I inquire as to which branch?"
"I was in the Navy," Bob replied.
"And," inquired the boss, "were you ever late arriving at your former job?"
"Why, yes, sometimes I came late" answered Bob.
"Well, tell me, what comment was made upon your late arrival?"
The greeter smiled and replied, "Good morning, Admiral Jones, would you like tea or coffee this morning?"
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
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A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast. The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop.
Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages. A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$175 due for a consultation."
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While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember run to Dad first, then the dog."
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A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.
The two Aussies just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried.
The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?"
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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If biblical events were being covered by today's media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
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My 5-year-old: "Do trees poop?"
Me: "Of course they do, that's how we get #2 pencils."
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Be careful what you pray for.
The first congregation we started was just beginning to come together in Guayaquil, Ecuador. My Spanish was just so-so. Ruth, one lady among these first converts, had an aged mother in the hospital in grave condition. This Ruth asked me to visit her mother and pray for her. I am glad to make hospital visits but it is not my strong suit. There are those that have the gift to greatly encourage the sick. I do not have that giftedness. So one afternoon, I took Carlos, a man who was also a new convert, with me to visit this lady´s mother. She was in very poor condition. Plus, she had not slept much in two nights. Her level of anxiety was very high. At the end of the visit I prayed for her that God would comfort her to lower her anxiety and that she might get some well need sleep. As we walked back to the car, Carlos questioned me about what I had prayed. He told me that I had textually asked that the aged mother would "Rest In peace."
Less than an hour after leaving the hospital, I get a call from Ruth. Her mother had passed away shortly after our visit. Carlos soon spread the story about what had happened and how I had prayed for this lady. In the 30 years we have been here, no one has complained if the pastor/missionary does not visit the sick. To the contrary, some have said to me that it is fine with them if I don't visit them when they are sick.
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You've heard of Murphy's famous law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
There are many other related laws. Here are a few:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. - Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't. - Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. - Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. - Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. - Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem. - Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. - William's Law
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. People should think. - IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. - The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - Ehrlich's Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. - Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. - Cannon's Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage. - Cole's Law
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Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.
"Oh mother," she cried out upon returning home, "what do you think I saw today?"
"I can't imagine, dear, what?"
"A lady had twins, and a spare!"
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One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
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Two older women, Colleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party at their country club. "My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Colleen.
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda.
Colleen responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
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Youngest son: "Hey, everybody: I went to the Army recruiter's office today and signed up!"
Eldest son (amazed): "No way! That's a big deal, bro."
Middle son (dubious): "I dunno, I hear training is tough. You think you'll make it?"
Father (misty-eyed): "I'm proud of you, Son."
Mother (serious): "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
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It was a very long and boring sermon. As one parishioner left the church, he said: "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled: "Really? Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
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Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.
Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it.
Daughter: I don't understand any of that.