https://www.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/sermoncentral-8-ways-to-deal-with-control-freaks-in-your-church-2366?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button&utm_campaign=scbpu20190921&maropost_id=742347701&mpweb=256-8251765-742347701

8 Ways To Deal With Control Freaks In Your Church
By Sermoncentral on Sep 18, 2019

Big churches tend to attract passive, anonymous audience members.  Small churches tend to attract control freaks.  Big church pastors are aware of the problem of anonymity, so healthy big churches work very hard at small groups.  It’s hard to be an anonymous audience member in a small church. But it’s much easier to exert your influence sometimes in unhealthy ways. Often on governing boards, but not always.  No, that's not a fair assessment of most small church members (or big ones). The control freaks are probably less than one percent. But if a control freak is going to attend a church, they're more likely to pick a small one than a big one.  Small pond, meet the big fish.  So what does the small church pastor do when we feel hindered by control freaks?

Here are eight principles that have helped our church get past those petty squabbles:

1. Don’t Try to Out-Control Them

Trying to control a control freak is like fighting over the steering wheel in a moving car. No one wins and everyone gets hurt. Including the innocent passengers.

2. Don’t Use the Position of Pastor to Shut People Down

"Because I'm the pastor!" is one of the worst things you can ever say.

By the time you feel the need to say it, you’ve already lost more than you realize. Saying it may make you feel better. It may even help you reach an immediate goal. But it will be a big step away from long-term goals. Battle won, war lost.

3. Don’t Move Too Fast

In a big church, leaders need to master systems and methods. The advantage of systems and methods is that they can be implemented quickly.  Systems and methods matter in small churches too, but they take a back seat to relationships, culture and history.  Pastors need to earn the right to be heard. The smaller the church, the more listening matters. Understanding the complex inter-weaving of a small church’s relationships, culture and history takes some time.

4. Don’t Move Too Slow

There’s a window of opportunity in every leadership situation. Move too early and they're not ready. Move too late and you’ve lost momentum.  How to find the sweet spot? There’s no universal rule, because every small church is unique. That’s why knowing the church’s relationships, culture and history is so important. It gives us the information we need to time it right.

5. Assume Right Motives Until Proven Otherwise.

It's easy to assume that people with control issues have wrong motivations. I’ve seldom found that to be true.  Control freaks usually have good motives, but are going about it the wrong way. Sometimes their need for control is the result of past hurts and distrust (see point 6). Sometimes it's their personality.  Be careful not to assign evil intention to people without ample evidence.  Don't worry that this will make you a doormat. If you assume good intentions, then discover bad ones, it's always easy to ramp up the confrontation. But if you assume wrong intentions, it's very hard to back off from a confrontational footing if you're wrong.

6. Deal With Problems Before They Do

When I was a young pastor, our church did a much-needed facility upgrade. Every Sunday before church, one of the members came early to give the project a going-over. Then, just as the service was about to start, he brought me the list of problems, demanding to know how I was going to fix them.  After a few weeks, I decided to beat him to the punch. When he arrived I said “I’m glad you’re here! There are some things you need to see.”

Then I led him on a tour of all the problems and how I was working to fix them. I did it to inform and reassure him, not to rub his nose in it.  At the end of the second week’s tour he told me, “it seems like you have a handle on this. I won’t need to see any more. Thanks.”

That was it.  I later discovered he had been through a previous facilities upgrade in which the pastor hadn’t been properly diligent, costing the church thousands of dollars extra. Once I had proven that I had the issues in hand, he let it go.  Some control freaks are concerned members who’ve been burned before. Earn their trust and you can win them back.

7. Outlove Them and Outlive Them

Sometimes the answer to dealing with control freaks is simple endurance. I’m going to hang in here longer than they are. Either until they leave (hopefully not) or until I earn their trust.  None of these points are magic bullets. Sometimes the control freaks are so embedded, they make pastoring the church impossible. That happened in a previous church, which I had to leave. They outlived me.  But even if that happens, we need to love them. Really and truly love them. Even if they never let go of control, we need to rise above the battle.

8. Realize Who’s Really In Control

The hardest thing about control freaks is when we think they’re taking control that rightly belongs to us, the pastor.  But control of the church never belongs to us. Or to them.  It’s Jesus’ church. And no control freak in the pew or the pulpit will ever be able to take it from him.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.  "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.   He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7456685/Family-reveal-father-arrested-murder-planning-sons-birthday-party.html

Father arrested over death of baby son was planning boy's first birthday party just days before he 'hurled him in Moses basket into river after row with infant's mother'

    Zakari Bennett, 11-months, was allegedly thrown into River Irwell in Manchester
    A man named locally as Zak Bennett-Eko was arrested on suspicion of murder 
    Mother Emma Blood, 22, wrote: 'I love my little boy and did everything for him'
    The baby's great grandfather said today the father was planning son's birthday
    Police believe shocked witnesses may have caught the incident on video
    **Do you know the father? Did you see what happened? Email james.wood@mailonline.co.uk or tips@dailymail.com**

By Ed Riley For Mailonline

Published: 15:32, 12 September 2019 | Updated: 17:45, 12 September 2019

A father was planning his son's first birthday party just days before he allegedly threw him to his death into a river in his Moses basket, family members said today.  Zak Bennett Eko, 22, was arrested after baby Zakari died in the River Irwell, in Radcliffe, Greater Manchester at 4.30pm yesterday.  The suspect, who its believed had taken his son out to buy milk after a row with the boys mother, was found minutes later inside the nearby Lock Keeper pub.  Police have appealed for witnesses who may have caught the incident on video to come forward.  The boy's grief-stricken mother Emma Blood, 22, posted an emotional statement on Facebook this morning, telling how she has 'lost my son' and said she 'wished I was dead.'  Describing her son as 'my world, my heart, my soul', Ms Blood, who is believed to be pregnant, told how she spent the final moments with him after his death.  Zakari's maternal great-grandfather has now revealed how Bennett Eko and Ms Blood were a 'happy couple.'  David Kavanagh, 67, told The Sun: 'I only saw him and his parents on Monday. He was a great lad.  Emma and Zak seemed like a happy couple, she was a loving mother. She was taking Zakari to playgroup and they were making plans for his first birthday.  One of my daughters came round to tell me what had happened. It's the worst thing you could imagine. I was totally shocked.  It's a terrible tragedy and the family are desperate to know why it happened.' 

Paramedics battled to save the boy after he was pulled from the water by firefighters, some 100 yards from the bridge. He was taken to hospital but pronounced dead a short time later.  Detectives are continuing to appeal for information and believe that parts of the incident were captured on camera by members of the public.  Ms Blood wrote today: 'I lost my baby today. I love my little boy and did everything for him.  I didn't know my child was dead until I got to A&E.  We sat with him for hours, we held him, we kissed him and then I left.  Let me grieve for my child, my whole world and so much more. I am alive, although I wish I was dead.'

Yesterday a barmaid working at the Lock Keeper told how a man came in and asked to buy a drink, but had no money.  She said: 'Then loads of people came in screaming that there's a baby in the river.  He sat there and stared, he didn't move so the police were phoned and he just told a customer that he'd thrown his baby in the river.  Everyone was up barring him, he sat there and stared and didn't move.  The police were phoned to say 'we think we have who you're looking for'.' 

Another witness told the Manchester Evening News: 'It was a very small child in the river, I thought it was a doll when I saw it.  I thought someone was on the run.'

Another resident posted on social media: 'I was there 30 mins ago and everybody there was crying and saying a man has thrown his newborn in.'

Neighbours also revealed today Ms Blood, the mother of the child, is believed to be around three or four months pregnant.  Greater Manchester Police have now launched a murder investigation and a residential road near the scene has been cordoned off.  The force said a post mortem will take place tomorrow.  Tearful mourners, many who were mothers with young children, have left more than 100 bunches of flowers, soft toys and candles on the bridge.  Among the tributes was a large cuddly bear with a card that read: 'To a beautiful little boy. Sleep tight little man. Our thoughts are with your family. From all of us at Lidl Radcliffe.'

One card with flowers read: 'Goodnight and God Bless beautiful innocent boy. Fly high Angel.'

The boy's maternal grandfather Andy Blood was too upset to comment as he visited the bridge. He left a card that read: 'To my beautiful grandson. We love you so much RIP.'

His paternal grandfather Addy Eko wrote online: 'Good blees little man still got your dummy here il bring it soon say hi to your sister and nana so sorry which it me not you.  So unfair livening now and always grandad sorry.'

Ms Blood's Facebook page is packed with pictures of her son. She announced her pregnancy in February 2018, where she wrote on Facebook: 'I honestly can not hold back anymore, we are over the moon that we are expecting a baby.'

After her first scan she wrote: 'Today we seen our little baba who has a very strong heartbeat, healthy and is perfect in every single way.  Mummy & Daddy love you always our little cherub.  The past ten weeks have flown by it won't be long until we meet you in person.'

In a selfie in hospital with her new son in October last year she wrote:  'He's just so perfect and so good. He was worth every bit of pain. We love you Zakari.'   

Today a taxi driver who has lived on the street next to where the death took place said: 'I have never seen anything like it. Everyone is going mad around here.'

Another nearby neighbour, who did not wish to be named, said: 'We looked out of the bedroom window and saw the cordons, that was about 5pm yesterday.  It is just mad, there are no words to be spoken. We don't know the full situation.'

Detective Inspector Wes Knights, who is leading the investigation on behalf of the Major Incident Team, said they want to hear from anyone with 'images or videos which show the incident or the aftermath.'  He said today: 'This is an incredibly tragic incident which has taken the life of a baby boy, who we believe is only around 11-months-old.  His family have understandably been left devastated by what has happened and we have specially trained officers providing them with support at this difficult time.  We currently have a suspect in custody, who will be questioned by detectives later today, however our investigation does not stop there and we need anybody with information to come forward and help us get answers for this little boy's loved ones.  We know that there were a significant number of witnesses to what happened and I want to urge those people to come forward and provide us with as much detail as they can.  It's also possible that other people may have information about the circumstances leading up to the incident, as we know the baby had been in the area for a number of hours beforehand.   We appreciate that the incident has caused a lot of concern locally, which is understandable, but I would ask that people please refrain from speculating on social media about the circumstances and who may or may not have been involved, as this is still a live criminal investigation.  I would also like to say thank you to all those people who tried their best to help retrieve the baby from the river and to all those who have since provided support to the investigation by providing information.'

A spokeswoman for Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service said: 'We were called at 4.28pm to a rescue of a person in water in Pilkington Way, Radcliffe.  Fire engines from Whitefield, Farnworth and Eccles attended the incident along with a water incident unit from Eccles.  Crews rescued one casualty who was then handed over to NWAS (North West Ambulance Service).'

Members of the community in Radcliffe have responded to the tragedy on social media, expressing their shock at the incident.  One user commented: 'Totally horrific beyond comprehension.  Worked in Radcliffe, know the area but this is just so utterly horrible.'

Another said: 'Heartbreaking how this can ever be explained as a domestic incident is beyond me. Rest in peace little man.'

A social media user said on Facebook that a candlelight vigil was being prepared to take place tomorrow at the bridge where the incident occurred.  A JustGiving page has also been set up to help pay for the cost of the funeral.  'Weʼre raising £1,000 to the funeral of the local little boy who sadly passed away after he was thrown in the river Irwell.'

By 11am this morning it had already raised £2,300.  Helen Coverdale, who set up the page, said: 'I set the Just Giving page up last night.  Just being a mother, and being a human being, what happened absolutely shook me to my core.  I felt I needed and wanted to do something. If I am being honest I wanted to pick him up and give him a big hug.  When I heard he had passed away everybody was saying they wanted to do something to remember him, something like a headstone or flowers on the bridge.'

The 45-year-old, from Radcliffe, added: 'The response has been amazing, within an hour it was £700.  I put £1,000 that was the target, it has now hit £2,000. 'It shows we are a lovely community.'

Fast forward to January 1993 and my Nanna had a stroke which she didn't recover from.  I don't think I will ever forget as I was a student nurse at the time when my mum rang the ward I was working on but another student took the phone call as I was with a patient.  He didn't know how to tell me the news so went to the ward sister who was also my mentor.  I thought it odd that she wanted to talk to me alone and thought I had done something really stupid until she asked me if I was close to my Nanna.  I said I was then froze then she told me my Nanna had died and told me to ring my mum which I did.  My mum and I both cried over the phone but I pulled myself together as I wanted to finish my shift even though I had been told I could go.  I never thought news could travel round the ward so quickly and so many patients wanted to speak to me.  On the other hand it has an advantage as patients are generally good with sympathy chat.  In the end I did go early as I couldn't concentrate but I did let the other student know I appreciated what he did.  He was a good lad and eventually became a paramedic.

My Nanna's funeral was the complete opposite to my Grandma's.  The church was full, my Nanna was cremated afterwards.  So many people to the wake afterwards and it was great that we could remember my Nanna the way she would have wanted with us being happy.   

https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/699100/Appropiate-time-wait-new-relationship-death-partner-two-years

'Appropriate time' to wait before new relationships after death of partner is two years
ALMOST two years is an appropriate length of time to wait before starting a new relationship after the death of a husband or wife, according to a new survey.
By Sarah O'Grady
PUBLISHED: 17:40, Thu, Aug 11, 2016 | UPDATED: 20:31, Thu, Aug 11, 2016

After 22 months of grieving, the majority of the over-50s say it is time to move on, despite most bereaved older people waiting nearly four years (44 months) before dating again.  However, when it comes to divorce or separation it is more acceptable to find a new partner quite rapidly, at around 11 months later, found a report by the online network for grandparents Gransnet.  And the majority of people quizzed agreed that men move on more quickly to new relationships than women, both after bereavement (56 per cent) and after a split (67 per cent).  Almost two thirds (61 per cent) felt that newly single older women were fussier about their choice of new partners than men in the same position.  Relate counsellor Christine Northam said: “The results have given us a very interesting insight into the challenges people face moving on romantically in later life.  But it’s important to remember that every person and couple is unique, and that there are no fixed rules about how long it takes to get over things.  Learning from experience can be invaluable, and can help to lead towards happy, healthy future relationships so it’s important for newly single people to think carefully about they want from a new partner.”

The poll also explored the impact that building new romantic relationships in later life has on respondents’ children. Of those with adult children who had found themselves single, 31 per cent said their children objected to their new partner, or potential partners.  More than one in eight said they believed that their children would rather they were alone than had a new partner.  Over half of those who had a child who objected to their new relationship said a personality clash between their child and new partner created conflict.  Other causes of tension were adult children worrying that the new partner was trying to replace the parent they lost, concerns about a new partner’s intentions, inheritance, and feeling hurt that their parent had moved on too quickly.  And for around a third of those who had children objecting, family tensions around their new partner were so bad that they ended the relationship.  Single grandparents are embracing dating sites, with nearly a third (30 per cent) of those who started a relationship in later life meeting their partner via online dating.  Gransnet editor Lara Crisp said: “Finding love in later life is tricky enough, without having the added headache of dealing with the disapproval of family members.  It’s interesting to see what a huge part being online has in finding love in later life with so many people finding new partners through online dating.   Our users often discuss relationship issues on the forums and it’s great to have that online support and insight from peers, especially when talking to family members in real life may be uncomfortable.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-46964179

Child bereavement: A brother's promise to help 'forgotten grievers'
By Orla Moore BBC News
27 April 2019

When Callum Fairhurst hugged his 14-year-old brother Liam for the last time, he made him two promises: to live a great life and to help others. As the 10th anniversary of Liam's death approaches, Callum has founded a new website that aims to answer the very questions he couldn't ask as a grieving 12-year-old.  Callum Fairhurst still remembers every detail of 30 June 2009, the day his big brother Liam died.  "I was 12. I remember what I was watching on TV, what I did before, what I did after, how I was told," he says. "I didn't quite realise what was going on, when the community nurses came down I just knew. We were eating dinner at the table.  I just knew that was the last time I'd see him. That is so vivid in my memory. The days and weeks after were more of a blur."

Liam had been diagnosed with synovial sarcoma, a rare soft tissue cancer, in July 2005, aged 10.  In the four years that followed, he refused to accept his condition was terminal, and embarked on a remarkable campaign, raising £340,000 during his lifetime, and a further £7m after his death.  Callum, from Soham, Cambridgeshire, says that in life and death his brother continues to inspire him.  "I remember kissing him and I just felt something. Although he wasn't conscious, he couldn't respond, there was something there," he said.  Afterwards I was scared, emotional, hiding it. Looking back, I think I was protecting myself.  People were supportive in that they'd come up and hug me. But there was no formal support. I received counselling sessions but in a way I felt forced into it, months after I needed to."

Some friends would innocently say the wrong thing, people knew him only as "Liam's brother", and the extent of direct support was a "sympathetic pat on the shoulder", he says.  "I wanted to know if it was OK to be happy. I wasn't suicidal, I wasn't depressed, but I was struggling. I had awful nightmares, but other times I was absolutely fine.  Liam was dead, but I felt bad for getting on with it."

Callum plunged his energy into fundraising, like his brother, cycling more than 17,000 miles (27,350km) round the world in 2015-16, and completing a tuk-tuk trip around 27 European countries last year.  He is now in the final year of an International Development and Politics degree at the University of East Anglia.  He spoke to other bereaved children to gather a cache of particular questions they had when they lost a sibling, from younger ones asking what death actually means, or 'Why are mummy and daddy being different?', to teenagers' dilemmas with drinking or drugs.  The result is a bright new online forum called Sibling Support, created by Callum with a pool of professionals and teenagers with first-hand experience.  It includes details of how to create memory boxes, and the plan is to install an instant message function which children can use anonymously.

https://www.ibelieve.com/relationships/practical-ways-to-heal-from-a-father-s-rejection.html?utm_source=iBelieve%20Relationships&utm_campaign=iBelieve%20Relationships&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2838982&bcid=e4f33018031efea91984e31e0247e4cf&recip=534639123%20

Practical Ways to Heal from a Father’s Rejection
Kia Stephens

A father is a daughter’s first experience with the male gender. He should demonstrate what love looks like and how she should be treated by a man. It is through her father’s eyes that a woman should feel valued, loved and affirmed but what if she doesn’t?

What if a father’s actions teach his daughter that she is not valued or loved at all?

What if she feels rejected by her dad instead?

If this rejection happens not once, but several times throughout her lifetime, she may find it difficult to heal.  It is unfathomable to think that a father would ever reject his own daughter, but it happens. A forgotten birthday, an missed event, or the reluctance to listen can all communicate rejection in the heart of a daughter. Consequently, the woman incurs unexpected and unwanted wounds from her dad’s actions.  The pain of these experiences can potentially last a lifetime. She can find herself crippled in relationships with men, debilitated in her self-esteem, and fearful of experiencing this same rejection from others. Although a father’s rejection is painful to experience, it is possible to heal from this pain.  Below are 7 practical ways to heal from a father’s rejection.

1. Grieve

If we have experienced rejection from our fathers, an obvious, but sometimes ignored step, is that of grieving. Sometimes we need to communicate to ourselves that it is okay to acknowledge and grieve the pain of rejection. Although it may be tempting to excuse or dismiss the pain, we must give ourselves permission to grieve what has been lost.  This may mean grieving our childhood, important milestones, or relationships that have been negatively impacted. Strength does not mean we have to be a superwoman grinning and bearing our pain. We can take the necessary time to grieve rejection from our fathers.  In fact, the Bible encourages us to mourn in Matthew 5:4 (KJV) when it says, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

You may be questioning how someone who mourns pain of this nature could be blessed. The blessing is not in the mourning, but in the promise of being comforted. This comfort is offered from God through the pages of Scripture and it is available for you. If you are grieving the rejection of your father, know that you can find safety in the grieving process because God promises that you will be comforted.

2. Develop Your Relationship With God

When a woman is rejected by her father, this may give her a distorted view of God. She may be tempted to perceive that God is like her father and will reject her in the same way. In order to develop a healthy view of God, a woman must invest in getting to know who God is through the reading of His word.  In Matthew 11:28-30 (KJV) we see Jesus extending an invitation to those who are weary and burdened. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Although a woman may experience rejection from her father, prior to her birth she was already accepted by God. Before we were born, God knew us and loved us. As it says in Psalms 139:13, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.”

God overwhelmingly communicates his desire to know and commune with His people. He desires to take the pain experienced through rejection and exchange it for the unconditional love found in Christ alone.  This relationship offers a pathway by which a woman wounded from the rejection of her father can know un-explainable peace and healing. We can take our pain to God in prayer and trust that He will hear, accept, and comfort us in our distress.

3. Write a Forgiveness Letter

“Have you written a forgiveness letter to your father?” were the words my counselor asked me several years ago.

These words were a catalyst for healing from the rejection of my father because it helped me process pain in a way I had previously been unable to do.  In fact, initially, I had a difficult time completing the letter in one sitting. There were times in the letter writing process that uprooted deep-seated hurts repressed for years. Those hurts had to be grieved before I could continue writing.  Sometimes we suppress our pain in order to survive, but God cannot heal our hearts if we are reluctant to be truthful about our hurt. We must be willing to surrender our pain to the One that can do something about it. In 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT) it says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

A forgiveness letter is a practical tool that we can use to give the pain of rejection to God.

4. Seek Wise Counsel

For some, there is a stigma associated with seeking a counselor to process pain. God, however, encourages us to seek wise counsel in His word. In Proverbs 11:14 it says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Counseling is another practical resource to help women heal from a father’s rejection.  It is not a sign of weakness, rather a demonstration of tremendous strength. The act of seeking counsel demonstrates a desire to heal, and sometimes our healing may require assistance from others. God has uniquely gifted individuals to help others process their pain as it says in Proverbs 20:5 (ESV): “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”

5. Identify Lies We Told Ourselves

There may be lies women believe as a result of experiencing rejection from a father. Statements like, “I am unloved, I am unwanted, and I am not cherished,” are a few of the lies that might reverberate in a woman’s mind.

The Bible, however, tells us that Satan is the father of lies in John 8:44. Women who have been rejected by their fathers must diligently identify lies and counter them with the truth of God’s word.

6. Replace Lies with Truth

In Romans 12:2 (NIV) it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

In order to distinguish between the truth and a lie, we must know what truth is. This means we must be intentional about reading what God says about His love for us in His word.

If we know that John 3:16 (NIV) says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life,” then we can use that truth to debunk the lie that says we are not loved.

The devil would have us believe we are not loved so that we won’t experience the abundant love God wants to give us. We must refuse to accept the lies and cling to truth.

7. Choose Joy

In this life, no one is exempt from experiencing pain. Sometimes the pain we experience deceives us into thinking that our pain is much worse than that of another. Whereas this may be true, we must accept the reality that God has allowed the pain we experience in our lives for a reason. He has a purpose and a plan for everything, including the rejection of a father.  In saying that, we have a choice in how we respond. Although it may be tempting to wallow in the pain, this will not propel us forward. God’s word offers a suggestion that is the antithesis of this. In Philippians 4:4 (NIV) the apostle Paul commands us to, “Rejoice in the Lord always...”

This option may seem unrealistic when we consider our circumstances, however, when we look to Christ and reflect on His suffering, we are able to gain a new perspective on pain.  God is able to use the pain from a father's rejection to mature our faith, as it says in James 1:2-3. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

In addition to producing Christ-like character in us, God is able to use our healed hearts to encourage others.  I am evidence of this truth, and if you have experienced the rejection of a father, He can do this incredible work in your life too.

https://www.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/john-stackhouse-the-dirty-truth-about-honoraria-2029?ref=PreachingArticleDetails?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button&utm_campaign=scbpu20190603&maropost_id=742347701&mpweb=256-8011155-742347701

The Dirty Truth About Honoraria
By John Stackhouse on Jun 3, 2019

The way some Christian churches and other organizations pay their speakers, it makes me embarrassed to be a member of the same faith.  A friend of mine is a gifted staff worker with a well-known Christian organization on a university campus. He is married with three young children and works hard and long at his job. Frequently, he is asked to speak at churches’ youth retreats or special events sponsored by other groups. Rarely is he paid well for what is, in fact, overtime work for audiences other than the one that pays his regular salary.  One weekend, he left his family to speak at a retreat for more than 100 young people, each of whom paid to go away to a well-furnished camp for three days. My friend gave four talks and participated in a question and answer session a typical and demanding schedule. But his work didn’t end there, of course. Retreat speakers are “on call” all weekend for impromptu counseling, offering advice over mealtimes and modeling what they preach on the volleyball court or around the campfire. Make no mistake: There is very little relaxing in that role, however restful the retreat might be for everyone else.  An isolated and extreme example?

Not at all. Every professional Christian speaker has stories like these.So at the end of this tiring weekend, at the close of the Sunday luncheon, the leader of the group thanked him profusely at the front of the dining hall (he had gone over very well). Then he tossed the speaker a T-shirt emblazoned with the group’s logo while everyone clapped. It took my friend several minutes to realize that this shirt was his total payment for the weekend’s work. He got in his car, without even a check for gasoline, and headed back to his waiting family. 

A widely respected author was asked to headline a fundraising banquet for a women’s organization. She prepared a talk on the subject requested, left her husband and children at home, drove herself in the family car across the city to the site of the meal, chatted with her tablemates, and then delivered her speech. Again, it was apparent from the applause and the warm remarks that greeted her when she took her seat that she had done her job well.  The evening ended, and the speaker was saying her goodbyes. The convenor then appeared in a gush of appreciation. “Your talk was just excellent,” she said. “Exactly what we wanted. Thank you so much for coming!”

Then, by way of payment, she grandly swept her arm over the room and said, “Just help yourself to one of the table centerpieces.”

We Christians have two problems in this regard. One might be remedied by an article such as this one. The other can be fixed only by the Holy Spirit.  The former problem is that most people who invite speakers are not themselves professional speakers and so honestly don’t know how much is involved in doing this work well. So let’s price it out straightforwardly and consider whether we pay people properly in the light of this analysis.  A speaker first has to receive the invitation, work with the inviter to clarify and agree upon terms (usually this takes correspondence back and forth), and confirm the date. Then the speaker has to prepare the talk. Sometimes, a speaker can pull a prepared text out of a file, but usually at least some fresh preparation is necessary to fit the talk to this particular group and its context. (And let’s remember that the speaker at some time did indeed have to prepare this talk from scratch, so the inviting group does have a share in the responsibility for that preparation since they will be benefiting from it.) The speaker concludes her preparation by printing out her notes and perhaps also prepares a photocopied outline or overhead slides or PowerPoint presentation for the benefit of the group.  Next, the speaker must make her travel arrangements and then actually travel. Most of this time is not productive: Airports and airplanes are not designed to aid serious work (unless the inviting group springs for first-class seats and airport lounges an uncommon practice), and driving one’s car is almost entirely useless time.  The speaker arrives and then has to wait for her particular slot. She finally gives her presentation, waits for everything to conclude and returns home. If she is out of town, normally she will have to spend at least one night in a hotel room, probably sleeping badly in a strange bed and, again, spending time in transit that is largely unproductive.  Count up all of those hours. Not just the forty minutes she actually spoke at the banquet, or the four hours she was actually in front of the microphone during a weekend conference, but the many, many hours spent in the service of the inviting group from start to finish. Divide those hours into the honorarium, assuming her costs are covered (as they sometimes aren’t for shame!), and you have the true wage the group paid her.

One speaker I know was asked to speak at a weekend conference requiring of her three plenary talks plus a couple of panel sessions. She would have to travel by plane for several hours and leave her family behind. The honorarium she was offered?

Expenses plus $300. Her husband heard of it and replied with a rueful smile, “I’ll pay you three hundred bucks to stay home with us."

Here’s yet another way to look at it. A speaker was asked to give the four major speeches at the annual meeting of a national Christian organization. He was also asked to come two days earlier than the staff meeting in order to address the national board twice. In return, he was offered travel expenses and accommodation for himself and his wife at the group’s posh conference center of which they were extremely proud.  So the speaker asked for an honorarium of $2000 for the five days he would be away plus all of the time he would spend in preparation for this large responsibility. The group’s president immediately withdrew the invitation, saying he was charging too much. Is this good stewardship by a Christian nonprofit corporation?

Or is it something else?

One wonders about the “something else” when one looks closer to home and examines the typical honoraria given to preachers who fill pulpits when pastors are on vacation. Most churches now pay $100 or so, although I know of many, including both mainline and smaller evangelical congregations, who still pay less.  Let us ask ourselves, before God, how we can justify paying a guest preacher a mere hundred bucks. He has to accept the invitation and get clear on his various duties from the person who invites him. He has to prepare the sermon again, even if he is going to preach one he has preached before, he still has to decide upon which one to preach and then prepare to preach it well on this occasion. He has to travel to our church and take his place with the other worship leaders. He has to preach the sermon and greet people afterwards. Then he has to drive home.  Time it out, and it’s likely ten hours or more that he has invested in our church. We offer him a hundred dollars, and that works out to ten bucks an hour a little more than minimum wage. He has to pay all of the taxes on that, so now he’s taking home between fifty and sixty dollars. Is that what we think our preachers are worth?

Let’s look at this from another angle. The average congregation isn’t large, so let’s suppose that about 200 people are to hear that sermon. By offering the preacher even $150 (which is more than most churches pay), we’re saying that his sermon is worth less than a dollar for each person who hears it.  The notion, however, that spiritual or theological or other “Christian” expertise should not be paid for is utterly foreign to the Bible. From the Old Testament requirements that generous provision be made for the priests to Paul’s commands in the New Testament that pastoral workers are worthy of their wages and should be paid such (I Corinthians 9), the Bible believes that people in such occupations are worthy of both esteem and financial support. Indeed, we show our esteem precisely in the financial support we give them. We think our physical health matters, so we pay good money for good physicians. How much does our spiritual health matter?

Well, let’s see what we typically pay for it. We are, in fact, putting our money where our mouth is.  Thus, we encounter the latter problem, the one that only the Holy Spirit of God can address. It might be that we pay Christian speakers badly because we were unaware of all that is involved in preparing and delivering an excellent speech. Okay. But now that we know better, we should pay better. The latter problem of simply undervaluing such Christian service, however, is a problem in our hearts, not our heads. And the Bible is plain: We undervalue our spiritual teachers at the peril of undervaluing the divine truth they bring us. God frowns on such parsimony.  Indeed, God has threatened one day to mete out to each of us our appropriate wages for such behavior. And those wages will make even a T-shirt or a table centerpiece look pretty good.