https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/cultural-psychiatry/psychiatrys-ancient-origins?rememberme=1&elq_mid=4523&elq_cid=1671665&GUID=7A434E9D-C737-4234-9614-E04C33A5717C

Psychiatry’s Ancient Origins
By Kenneth J. Weiss, MD and Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry
November 29, 2018

When did psychiatry begin?

Was it with the discovery of the unconscious?

Or was it the discovery of neurotransmitters?

As it turns out, healers have been treating mental disorders for thousands of years. Modern psychiatry reflects some, but not all, the values and concepts held by early civilizations. Ancient Greek, Indian, Chinese, Egyptian, Hebrew, European, Arabic, and other cultures explored dimensions of mental and physical health and disease. In the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry’s (GAP) 2018 most recent installment in our series of videos on the history of psychiatry, the Committee on Arts & Humanities explores how mental illness was understood from post-stone-age cultures through the Middle Ages.

Early civilizations relied on shamans, sorcerers, magicians, mystics, priests, and other approved healers to treat illnesses. Using rituals, incantations, and offerings, sickness could be prevented or healed. Somatic therapies, not unlike neurosurgery, can be inferred from archeological findings from France (6500 BCE) and China (5000 BCE). For example, skeletal remains of children with marked skull abnormalities and traumas suggest the ways in which humans cared for mentally impaired children 77,000 years ago.1

Some ancient peoples believed diseases occurred due to loss of the soul. Shamans entered into trances or altered states of consciousness, enabling their souls to journey into spirit worlds, sometimes into the underworld.2 During the journey, shamans connected to souls of the dead and to living souls that had strayed or been stolen. Interacting with demons and lost souls without losing their own souls, they brought about cures. The shaman acted as both priest and healer.

In Classical Greece (fifth century BCE), philosophers taught “naturalism,” the belief that laws of nature shape our world, as opposed to gods and demons determining human fate. Alcmaeon, for example, believed the brain, not the heart, was the “organ of thought.”3 He tracked the ascending sensory nerves from the body to the brain, theorizing that mental activity originated in the CNS and that the cause of mental illness resided within the brain. He applied this understanding to classify mental diseases and treatments.

Hippocrates developed a theory of chemical imbalance based on four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. Disease resulted from disproportions among the humors. His thinking influenced the practice of medicine for 2000 years.4 Today the term melancholia (too much black bile) is still in use. Hippocrates may have been “wrong” by current scientific thought, but theories of “chemical imbalance” remain.

In India, the ancient textbook on Yoga Sutra describes dynamics leading to health and illness.5 In later centuries, the external causes of mental illness were attributed to patients’ sins committed during current or previous lives. For example, disregarding important deceased persons, superhuman agents, ghosts, deities, and celestial beings could bring about various symptoms, depending on which spirits were offended.

Chinese texts from 3000 year ago mention neuropsychiatric illness, including descriptions of mania and psychosis with or without epilepsy. “Imbalance” was the mechanism of psychosis. Other conditions described include confusion, visual illusions, intoxication, stress, and even malingering. Psychological theories about stages of human development can be traced to the time of Confucius, about 2500 years ago.6

During Europe’s Middle Ages, the focus of theories about mental illness shifted back from physiology to spirituality. As Christianity spread, ideas about sin dominated, and the “psychotherapists” of the era were priests rather than physicians. The notion of demons in the Old Testament continued into the writings of the New Testament. Demonic possession remained a basic assumption. Christian physicians embraced some of the old beliefs of the Greeks and Romans, however, the natural therapy of the Greeks was lost as treatment turned to astrology, alchemy, theology, magic rites, and exorcism.

Preoccupation with witches raged throughout the seventeenth century. Tens of thousands of suspected witches, mostly women, were killed. Those accused of witchcraft included individuals who exhibited aberrant behaviors that today would be considered examples of mental illness, while some had no symptoms.7

The interplay between supernatural and natural thinking can be seen across ancient cultures. Mental health practices continued to progress and regress throughout the centuries, eventually including the idea of dedicated institutions for the care of the mentally ill. Tensions among culture, religion, and science will continue to shape concepts about the treatment of individuals with mental illnesses. Studying psychiatry’s origins and evolution gives us perspective on our own beliefs and practices.

To view the video on the Ancient Origins of Psychiatry, go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u072SnfVMXU

https://www.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/sermoncentral-let-s-stop-saying-yeah-but-to-god-s-grace-2359?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button&utm_campaign=scbpu20190910&maropost_id=742347701&mpweb=256-8238183-742347701

Let's Stop Saying "Yeah, But ..." To God's Grace
By Sermoncentral on Sep 10, 2019

Sometimes grace needs to take an uninterrupted victory lap through our lives.  Sin is real.  But grace is stronger.  Hell exists.  But grace is greater.  Justice demands retribution.  But grace is God’s scandalous response.  Why are some Christians so quick to diminish simple statements of grace with a ‘yeah, but’ response?

Whenever a blogger writes something like “When Christians act like Jesus, sinners are drawn in, not pushed away”, there will always be a commenter who will quickly remind the writer, “Yeah, but they hated Jesus enough to crucify him.”

If someone posts a meme that states “grace means there is nothing I could do that would cause Jesus to love me less” they will inevitably receive several responses of “Yeah, that’s true, but love compels us to remind people they are sinners, too.”

Yeah, God’s grace is great. But.  We have to stop adding a ‘yeah, but’ to such basic statements of God’s love and grace. When we do that, we stifle the kind of audacious outbreak of grace that people experienced from Jesus and the early church. And that we need so desperately now.

Overcoming the ‘Yeah, But’ of Grace

‘But’ is a strong word.  Most of us were taught that when someone follows a compliment or apology with ‘but’, ignore everything that came before the ‘but’, because whatever follows the ‘but’ is what they really mean.  That is also true when we talk about sin and grace.  When we add a ‘yeah, but’ to statements about God’s grace and love, we make sin sound stronger than grace.  When we tell people God loves them, ‘but’ they’re sinners, what they hear is ‘God will only love me if I get my act together.’

Yes, we are sinners. That reality should never be ignored or underplayed. But qualifying every statement about love and grace with a ‘yeah, but’ about sin is like interrupting a team’s victory parade to remind everyone that they lost some games during the season, too.  Sometimes grace needs to take an uninterrupted victory lap through our lives.

Grace Comes After ‘But’, Not Before It

I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware of the large and growing movement to normalize and excuse sin in our culture. But I refuse to let that stop me from living and speaking about grace in audacious, Christ-like ways.  Besides, every culture has tried to normalize sins. Different sins at different times. That was certainly the case in both the Jewish and Roman cultures of Jesus’ day.  That’s why Jesus preached a ‘yeah, but’ message too. But his message wasn’t ‘Yeah, there’s grace, but don’t forget sin.’ Jesus message was ‘Yeah, there’s sin, but grace is greater.’

In Jesus’ life and message, grace was always the final word. Often scandalously so.

Love Without ‘Buts’

No one ever preached against sin more strongly than Jesus. But sin is not where the gospel message starts or ends.  It starts with being made in God’s image, it ends with resurrection.  It starts with love, it ends with grace.  Sin is not the start or the end of the sentence. It’s the aberration in the middle.  Sin is always an incomplete statement. Grace is the period at the end of the sentence.  Sin is always an incomplete statement. Grace is the period at the end of the sentence. Love is the message of the sentence.  Sin and hell are true. But they are partial truths. Grace completes the truth.  Sin and hell need a ‘yeah, but.’ Grace does not. Because grace follows the ‘yeah, but.’  The next time you hear a statement about the overwhelming power of God’s grace, let me encourage you to resist your urge to diminish it with qualifiers.  Sit on your ‘but’ and let grace stand alone.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7438127/Widow-British-man-choked-death-hotel-Thailand-says-son-asks-father.html

EXCLUSIVE: Widow of British man, 34, who was choked to death at a hotel in Thailand says their 20-month-old son asks after his father - and she will one day tell him how her husband fought to save both their lives

    Amitpal Singh Bajaj's toddler son has begun asking for his father, his widow said
    Anguished Bandhna Bajaj, 34, said hopes police will soon arrest Roger Bullman
    Fugitive Bullman choked Mr Bajaj to death and fled after being given bail
    Mr Bajaj shielded his wife and son from the intruder and told them to ‘go, go, go’

By Shekhar Bhatia In Singapore For Mailonline

Published: 15:28, 7 September 2019 | Updated: 15:37, 7 September 2019

The widow of slaughtered Briton Amitpal Singh Bajaj has revealed their toddler son has begun asking for his father and how she will one day tell him of his bravery.  An anguished Bandhna Bajaj, 34, said she hopes police will soon arrest fugitive Roger Bullman who choked her husband to death and then fled after being given bail.  In her first full interview, she told Mail Online that she dearly loved her Sikh husband of ten years, but that love grew stronger as he fought to protect his wife and 20-month-old son Veer.  ‘When I saw Amitpal protect me and my son like that, I think I have never loved him as much as I loved him at that moment,’ she said.

‘I don’t think everyone could do what he did. I don’t think I could have done that.  The fact that he gave me time to run with our son, shows that he put our lives before his.  I have a lot of respect for him because even in our religion we are taught to have courage and be selfless. But to actually act upon it is a different thing.  He just came in front of me and was like ‘‘go, go, go‘’ and my love for him will go on forever and stronger.  My husband named my son Veer which means strength and he always wanted him to be a warrior with his mind.  He said “If you are strong in your mind you will be strong in your life” so I will always remind Veer of that."

Mr Bajaj, also 34, from Southall, London, was choked to death by martial arts expert and former soldier Bullman at the Centara Grand Hotel in the holiday resort of Pukhet on August 21st.  Bullman, who had been drinking, burst into their room and killed Mr Bajaj after he had shielded his wife and son from the intruder and pleaded with his wife to ‘go, go, go’.  Mrs Bajaj has revealed she and her husband had been scared by aggressive shouting and swearing which went on from midnight and over four hours from the room next to theirs where Bullman was staying with his girlfriend.  This was followed by the slaying of Mr Bajaj, an IT expert, as Mrs Bajaj took their son to safety. She said Bullman also searched for her as she hid and that she was injured in the incident.  Recovering at home with her son in Singapore, she said she wanted her husband’s courage to be recognised against Bullman’s brutality.  Their life together was cut short on a trip which was taken to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary.  She revealed how the proud Sikh from London has wooed her even though she had been living in Sydney, Australia at the time with the help of the internet.  They met at a mutual friend’s wedding in Singapore and ‘clicked’ straight away.  ‘I liked his sense of humour. It was very dry and very British. I enjoyed talking to him. He was very confident and friendly.’

After the wedding they headed in opposite directions. Mr Bajaj to Britain and his future wife back down under.  ‘We shared a lot of interests together and we became friends It went on with the help of Skype and we’d just chat together and before long we realised we were really similar.  I liked his confidence, the way he spoke and his British accent and I was attracted to him.  I was only 18, but I really felt that I had a connection with him. After about two years I realised I really liked him and we took it forward and we got engaged when I was 21.’

She said he ‘really made an effort’ to make regular 10,000 mile trips to Sydney by doing odd jobs while studying to pay for air fares.  He used to save up from the jobs he did. He was still at university in Bedfordshire, but he missed his graduation ceremony for his IT BSc degree to come and see me too.’

Mrs Bajaj, who graduated in economics and sociology at the University of South Wales, married her husband a year after graduating in Singapore where she was born.  The couple moved to Norwood Green in London and lived there for six years and shuttled between Malaysia and Singapore for his IT consultancy work.  He was also a busy charity worker and practiced the Sikh system of ‘Seva’ where members of the religion are motivated to help others selflessly without seeking acknowledgement or thanks.  Mr Bajaj was a passionate Manchester United fan and would visit Old Trafford to see his team play regularly when he was in the UK and saw them play in Singapore in July.  His widow said he looked forward to the time when their son had grown up and he could watch the team on TV with him despite the time differences with the UK which means matches are screened late at night in Singapore.  ‘He loved the atmosphere when he was in the stadium here seeing Manchester United, sent me videos of the crowd and said he couldn’t wait to take Veer to matches when he was older.’

Mr Bajaj kept a daily journal and said it was important to be able to reflect on your day and was a follower of Stoicism.  ‘He felt the philosophy was similar to the Sikh religion because it made one think of your actions and thoughts and live a fulfilling kind of life.  He was a very loving and protecting father. He told me he had never been in love (like he became with his son) with somebody that he didn’t even know and then suddenly they become your world.  He was very hands on and over the past few months he would make him sleep at night because he said he wanted that bonding time. He would read him stories about our Gurus and would sing to him.  Veer really misses him. He is asking for him almost every night because he prefers his dad making him sleep.  Even today he told me he is missing he because he can say a few words.  Every morning when I wake up it is the hardest because I feel I have to re-live that feeling again of not having him.  I do think it like a nightmare. Sometimes I think that he is on a business trip and he will come back but then I tell myself he isn’t coming back.  I guess I have to be strong for Veer as well and if I completely lose it then it will be very hard for him.  Amitpal was very caring and sensitive. He always took care of my feelings.’

Referring to Bullman, she said: ‘He shouldn’t have been able to get bail in the first place. It wouldn’t happen in the UK.  ‘We never complained to the hotel. He was so loud, so violent. We feared for our son’s safety. It was so scary.  We had never met him before. It was a complete random stranger that broke into our room.  It was all very shocking. He was saying ''F-you'' loudly, screaming loudly and screaming.’

She said there had been no confrontation or provocation with Bullman until he burst into their hotel room.  Instead, she said she and her husband had been frightened by aggressive shouting and swearing and the sound of objects being thrown in Bullman’s room where he was staying with his girlfriend Elvira Olsen.  The abusive language and raised voice went on for several hours, but she said no complaint was lodged from them with staff at the Centara Grand Hotel in Phuket.  Mr Bajaj was choked to death by Bullman, who admitted killing him to police.  Mrs Bajaj, in statements to her lawyers and police, said she and her husband and their 20-month-old son Veer had arrived in Phuket for a short break on August 18 and checked into the hotel’s room 345.  They had a peaceful and restful first couple of days and on the night of 20th August swam in the resort’s pool, had dinner and turned in at 11pm after putting their son to bed.  Mrs Bajaj said: ‘We were due to check-out for our flight the next day and at around 11pm, we got into bed.  Around midnight, we started hearing noises and general rowdiness from the room next door. This was the first time we heard any sounds from there.  We could hear objects being thrown around, with the man swearing “f*** you” many times. It sounded like there was a man abusing a lady, though we could not tell if any of the objects that we heard were being thrown actually hit her.  We did hear her scream 2-3 times during this episode, as if she was being attacked.  I recall my husband saying, “I am fearing for my life”. The man’s speech was very powerful and angry. This continued until about 1am. I was awake the whole time.  I was genuinely frightened and fearful and suggested to my husband that we should call the hotel reception.  He thought otherwise. He was concerned that if we were to call the hotel reception, the man would find out that we had complained and may want to harm us.  He said that we should just wait it out and that the episode would die down on its own.  By this time, Veer had awoken. I gave him some milk and turned on some white noise on my phone so that he could get back to sleep, which he did.  My husband and I then prayed together and eventually there was silence.  But I could not get back to sleep and shortly after 2am, the noise started up again.  I searched for the phone number of the hotel reception on Google and saved it in my phone. At about 2.46am, I called this number to test if it was the right one.  The call lasted about 5 seconds. Shortly thereafter, things quietened down somewhat. My husband went to sleep, but I kept awake and used my phone.’

She said that shortly before 4am the loud noises from the next room started again.  ‘I heard some loud noises from next door. This time, it sounded as if the noises were moving very quickly towards our balcony.  I woke my husband up and he said he thought someone was going to break into our room, and that I should quickly call for help.’

Her phone log showed she placed a call at 3.58am and made a second call a few minutes later to tell the reception that Bullman had broken down the wooden partition separating the rooms.  Her third call was made as Bullman entered the room.  She said: ‘He suddenly appeared in our room. He was red in the face, fully naked, and charged quickly towards us while making animalistic sounds.  ‘He was kicking and punching all the time. I said into the phone words to the effect of “he’s in come quickly send someone”. The reply was “ok”.  I had never encountered, seen or heard Bullman before and had no idea who this complete stranger was and why he had barged into our room in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.  He looked all charged up and very focused on attacking us.  My husband came between me and Bullman and told me to quickly leave with Veer.  Bullman was raining blows on my husband, who had raised his arms in self-protection.  There was a huge struggle during which I sustained a large bruise on my right arm.  As I was leaving, I turned around and saw that my husband was on the floor, halfway out of the main door.  He was not moving and looked unconscious. I also saw Bullman, who looked angry that my son and I were escaping. At this point, Veer was still asleep.  While I was running away, I could hear Bullman from within the room, shouting threateningly at me and saying something like “where are you” or “where are you going”.  I ran to the lift, went down two floors, and took the stairs the rest of the way down. I then took cover beneath the stairs amongst the trees, from where I had a view of the corridors and the entrance to our room.  I hid because I felt that Bullman was trying to get to me.  I thought I saw a figure running about and screaming, but could not see clearly as I was not wearing my spectacles. I was fearful of peeking out too much lest Bullman notice me.’

As she hid in the trees, she placed five more calls to the hotel reception asking for help for her husband.  Security officials arrived to find Mr Bajaj lying prostrate outside their room with Bullman continuing to hold him in a choke hold.  Police arrested a crying Bullman minutes later and he was charged with manslaughter before being allowed his freedom on bail.  Mrs Bajaj said she left Thailand on the same day her husband died and did not know Bullman had been given his freedom until she read about in on Mail Online after arriving back in Singapore.  Police in Thailand say they are conducting a huge manhunt for Bullman who has vanished after failing to appear at Phuket Provincial Court as part of his bail conditions.  Bullman’s lawyer Sulman Hussain,who is based in Oslo, said he had been unable to reach his client and had no clue to his whereabouts.  He said Bullman, a former soldier and bodyguard, had told him he intended to appear at his trial and tell a court how he came to kill Mr Bajaj.  He was seen sunning himself and swimming in a hotel pool when he should have been in court to assess his bail days before he vanished.  In his only interview before he went on the run, Bullman told Mail Online that ‘adrenalin’ had got the better of him when he clashed with Mr Bajaj.  He said that he had learned how to restrain people (by a choke hold) while working with psychiatric patients for 14 years.  He added: ‘Adrenalin took me over. I didn't want to kill him. I didn't know he was dead until the police told me he had died in hospital.  I have worked with physchiatric patients for 14 years and that is how you must restrain them (choke hold)." 

Recalling the evening of August 21st he said he had earlier been singing karoke and added: ‘I was with my girlfriend and we were happy that night.  I am sorry, really sorry. I am a father too and I can understand how his wife must be as they have a child.'

Bullman said he was missing his daughter and produced his cell phone which had a string of messages from her with heart emojis.  'I am not a monster. I have a nine-year-old daughter who I may not see again for a long time.  I am going to jail for between three and ten years and at my age of 54 it is not going to be easy.  They make it tougher for you, the other guys, if you are older.  I am lost. My girlfriend has gone home and I am alone here.'

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has been urged to help ensure the Bullman isn’t allowed to flee back to his native Norway.  Mr Raab and MP Virendra Sharma, who represents Ealing Southall where the family of the victim Amitpal Singh Bajaj live, have been told of the family’s fears that killer Roger Bullman will attempt to flee overseas.  Britian’s United Sikhs association, which has been supporting Bhandna Kaur, widow of Mr Bajaj and his family, said Thai officials should have known Bullman was ‘an obvious flight risk’.  The organisation contacted the MPs on behalf of Mr Bajaj’s parents, who live in Southall, London.  A spokeswoman said: ‘The family requested an urgent meeting and assistance as they fear that there is a real risk that Roger Bullman will abscond and justice will be denied to Amitpal Singh’s family.’

They have asked Mr Raab to raise an objection to Bullman’s bail on the grounds that he will flee and for Interpol to be alerted.  Mr Bajaj’s family fear he has already slipped out of Thailand, but Phuket police say they are confident he will be re-arrested and oput in jail until his trial.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/22/you-can-love-more-than-one-person-in-your-lifetime-dating-after-a-partners-death

‘You can love more than one person in your lifetime’: dating after a partner’s death

How easy is it to start a relationship after being bereaved?

And how do new lovers cope with an idolised ‘ex’?

Three couples tell their stories

Carole Henderson was only 40 when she lost her husband Kevin to skin cancer in 2006. As she struggled with the pain of her partner’s death, she found that her social life was beginning to disappear. “So many people didn’t know how to act around me or said silly, hurtful things.”

Eighteen months on, she was ready to start dating again. “I had reached the point where I loved Kevin, but was no longer in love with him,” she says. “I wasn’t looking for a husband, but I was lonely and wanted to enjoy male company.”

Having met Kevin when she was a teenager, however, she found jumping back into the dating pool a daunting experience. Many men were put off by the fact she had been widowed, too. She enjoyed a year-long relationship with another widower, but it wasn’t until 2012, six years after losing Kevin, that she started dating Ian, whom she has since married. They were friends before a relationship began to develop.  “Initially, I was so excited; I didn’t think too much about her previous relationship and how that could affect us,” says Ian.

As his feelings for Carole grew, though, he had a few concerns. Seeing pictures of Kevin around the house was a bit intimidating, and he was nervous about meeting Kevin’s family, with whom Carole maintained a close relationship. “In the end, it turned out my imagination was far from reality. They were lovely, and I think they were just pleased to see Carole happy again.”

It helped that Carole was so open with him. Nothing was out of bounds. He quickly became comfortable asking questions about her past.  “When we started dating, I was divorced and I felt I had made a lot of mistakes,” he says. “Carole is very emotionally astute and she encouraged me to do some of the Grief Recovery Method. It helped me to manage my own insecurities and emotions much better.”

Carole discovered this programme, which is designed to help people come to terms with loss, after Kevin died. She has since become a senior trainer and managing director of the UK team.  When their relationship became more serious, Ian moved in to Carole’s house, but he says he never felt entirely at home surrounded by the furniture and paintings that she had chosen with Kevin. After talking things through, they decided to move to create a home together.  “There are still pictures of Kevin in our house, but, although he’s a presence, I don’t feel threatened,” says Ian. “I’m grateful to Kevin, because it’s made Carole who she is. She wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if she hadn’t had that experience.”

But other couples find that accepting the past isn’t quite as simple. Joanna met her partner Colin (both names have been changed) on a dating website, 13 months after her husband died of cancer in early 2017. “When John was ill, he told me he wanted me to move on after he died so that I could be happy again. He said he wanted someone else to see my eyes sparkle.”

She and Colin hit it off from the moment they met, but she says he struggles to come to terms with the fact she has been widowed.  John and I had been together for six years and he was my soulmate. I think Colin felt like he was in competition.”

Social media has made life harder, as it brings up so many memories. “On one occasion, Colin came across some old Facebook photos, which really upset him, because it was evidence of how much John and I adored each other. He told me he wasn’t sure if he could live up to John and that’s when his insecurities began to affect our relationship.”

She says he has never felt comfortable meeting John’s family and didn’t want to visit her previous home, which she had shared with her husband.  Although it can be difficult, Joanna works hard to put herself in Colin’s shoes and talk to him about how he is feeling. “I care deeply for Colin. You can’t compare two relationships, because they’re two totally different people. It’s like having more than one child. You can love more than one person in your lifetime.”

She says she is no less happy than she was just “a different kind of happy”.  Respecting former and current partners is a balancing act for many widows. Carole says that while she celebrates Kevin’s memory on special days, she doesn’t talk about him all the time, because that would be disrespectful to Ian. As well as avoiding comparisons, she says it is important to remember your previous partner in a realistic way. “There’s a tendency to view someone who’s died through rose tinted spectacles, which can be hard for a new partner. I loved Kevin deeply and he was a fantastic man, but he wasn’t perfect.”

When anyone starts a relationship, particularly later in life, it is not unusual for jealousy to surface. We all carry emotional baggage, whether or not bereavement is part of it. But Carole and Ian’s attitude proves it is possible to respect the past without comparing it with the present.  For Thomas Dowds and Moira Stockman, who married earlier this year, jealousy has never been an issue. When they met, they had both been widowed, which they say made it easier to talk about their former partners.  “My family and I were on holiday in Florida in 2016 when my wife Rhonda suffered a sudden cardiac arrest,” says Thomas.

He attempted CPR and an ambulance was called, but there wasn’t anything they could do. In the weeks that followed, he says, there was no opportunity for him to grieve, because he was trying to stay strong for their two girls, who were seven and nine.  After the dust settled and his well-wishers went back to their normal lives, Thomas sought counselling to help him to cope with his loss. He also joined Widowed and Young, a charity support group for widows and widowers in the UK. “I ended up making friends with Moira and it felt good to talk to someone who was in the same boat. She’d lost her husband to leukaemia several years before and had two children around the same age as mine.”

Following Rhonda’s death, Thomas’s girls were reluctant to talk about their mum, for fear of upsetting him. But meeting Moira’s children meant they were able to open up for the first time and talk about their shared experiences.  “When Rhonda passed away, I thought I’d never want to find love again. As well as dealing with grief, I was so scared of losing another person that I loved.” But after a month of getting to know Moira, those feelings began to change. “We had so much in common that it progressed naturally into a relationship and it felt completely right.”

Moira, whose partner Alastair died when her children were toddlers, says they were aware they needed to take the relationship slowly. Although the four children got on brilliantly, her eldest son struggled to come to terms with the idea of her and Thomas as a couple, because he was worried about losing his mum to him. “With lots of support and counselling, he came round to the idea of us being together. One day he told me that he knew Thomas was a good man, and I think that was a real turning point for us.”

The couple say that talking about their past relationships is an important part of their marriage and helps the children to understand where they came from. Rather than “Mum” and “Dad”, “his children call me Moira and mine call him Thomas, because we want to be respectful to Rhonda and Alastair,” says Moira. “They might be gone, but they’ll always be their parents.”

Thomas adds that being widowed has taught him to enjoy every happy moment and stop sweating the small stuff. It is a common philosophy among those who have experienced loss. Although he knows he and other widowers will always feel sad about the loss of their partners, finding love again has given him a new lease of life. “Our children are really happy for us, and it has helped them open up about their own feelings of bereavement. It feels like we’ve taken two broken families and made them whole again.”

https://bestendings.com/medical-decisions/bereavement-end-of-ife/

Bereavement: starts before life ends
Bereavement and the process of dying

Often, the reality of death doesn’t hit home until seeing the physical stages of the body shutting down. This can be upsetting for those watching, but is a normal part of the dying process.There are strategies and treatments to minimize any discomfort and suffering

1.  Hands, feet and legs may feel cool or cold to the touch, Fingers, earlobes, lips and nail beds may look bluish or light gray.
2.  Blood pressure gradually goes down and heart rate gets faster but weaker.
3.  A purplish or blotchy red-blue coloring on knees and/ or feet (mottling) is a sign that death is very near.
4.  Because the body no longer needs large amounts of energy and because the digestive system is slowing down, the need for and interest in food (and eventually fluids) gradually lessens.
5.  As eating and drinking taper off, the body naturally becomes dehydrated. When this occurs, the dying person becomes sleepier and may be less aware of pain or discomfort. This is a normal part of the dying process and there are ways to keep the person comfortable throughout this time.
6  Fever may or may not occur, but is common nearer to death.
7  Secretions usually thicken and build up in the lungs and/or the back of the throat.
8.  Breathing may sound moist, congested called ‘wet voice’ or like a rattle.  This may come and go and is rarely bothersome to the dying person closer to the time of death.
9.  Progressively deeper and sometimes faster breathing, followed by a gradual decrease that results in a temporary stop in breathing. This is called Cheyne Stokes breathing
10.  Restlessness, agitation or delirium which may be a result of less oxygen to the brain, metabolic changes or physical pain.

From the mouths of the dying

“It is not unusual for a dying person to speak in metaphors about dying, for example speaking about death in terms of travel or a journey, getting to the door, or finding the key. It is not uncommon to see a dying person calling or reaching out to a deceased family member or to a religious figure or speak of visits from or dreams about those who have died before them.  These reports have almost always been comforting to the dying person. Rather than deny these descriptions, or correct these reports, it is important to try to listen and accept what is being said”.

Bereavement and mourning: before, during and after

Bereavement is the period after a loss during which grief is experienced and mourning occurs. The time spent in a period of bereavement depends on how attached the person was to the person who died, and how much time was spent anticipating the loss.  Advances in modern medicine mean dying and death have undergone a shift: a life-threatening disease doesn’t always mean an immediate ‘death sentence’.  We survive months or even years before dying even from  a terminal illness. While it means more time with our loved ones, prolonged dying and death can also prolong emotional pain, exhaust caregivers and cause family issues, baggage, patterns and rifts to take front and center stage.  In their book, Saying Goodbye: How Families can Find Renewal Through Loss Dr Joseph Nowinski and Barbara Okun summarize the five stages of grief:

Crisis. Family grief begins when the family learns that a loved one has a terminal disease. Feelings of anxiety, anger, confusion, and fear may arise. The equilibrium of the family has been disrupted.

Unity. The reality of impending death forces family members to put even longstanding resentments or grudges on hold to pull together to care for the dying loved one.

Upheaval. In a protracted illness, the unity experienced starts to fade, and issues put off to deal with later eventually rear their head, with guilt, anger, and resentment starting to emerge. It is most important, at this stage that members of the family communicate effectively with each other and with other loved ones.

Resolution. Upheaval created by the illness subsides. The protracted nature of contemporary grief presents families now with an opportunity to resolve any long-standing issues and to redefine each person’s role in the family.

Renewal. The final stage of grief begins at the funeral and expresses itself through the celebration of the life of the now-deceased family member. The interconnected system of individuals that make up the family, through acceptance of change, rather than its resistance, is given the opportunity to become stronger, more resilient and thus find its new equilibrium.

Mourning: rituals, customs and culture

Mourning is the process by which people adjust to a loss and often entails cultural customs and rituals. Dr Niamh van Meines a Nurse Practitioner and Hospice & Palliative Care Consultant tells of her experiences with culture and ritual at life’s end:

“The woman was overwhelmed with grief when she walked into the room and saw her mother silently and peacefully dead in the hospital bed. Her death was expected, but as always, no-one is ever quite ready to let go. She started to wail loudly and speak directly to her deceased mother about the pain she was inflicting by dying. She was compelled to hold her prayer beads and started to dance around the room. Little footsteps, singing and chanting, crying and wailing in a pattern that looked like she was in a trance. Occasionally, she would lay across her deceased mother with her arms outstretched. I approached her gently, touched her lightly on the back, apologized for interrupting her and asked “Are you OK? Is there anything that you need from me?” She stopped the dance, composed herself and answered “No, I’m fine.” She then returned to her trance, dance and chant. Reassured that she was not losing control, I relaxed and supported her. I observed and learned about my own lack of knowledge about different cultures and their rituals at the time of death."

https://mypositiveoutlooks.com/couple-with-down-syndrome-proves-them-wrong/?fbclid=IwAR0HfzsPJjtxEL7YPSM_yFOjx58DNX_gMrwfsjXgJZPBXVkjrXB1NX0-kxk

Against all odds, couple with Down Syndrome celebrate 22-yrs wedding anniversary
Published by Positive Outlooks on April 17, 2018

Keeping a marriage is not an easy task. We constantly come across the devastating news of Hollywood couples breaking up (we are looking at you Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan). Is it really hard to attain happily ever after nowadays?

There is a stigma that it will be hard for people with special needs to marry. Many people think that people with a condition like Down’s Syndrome cannot take care of themselves, how will they take care of other people, more or less start a family?

Maryanne and Tommy Pilling are the first couple with Down’s Syndrome to tie the knot in the UK. Their union was greeted with skepticism and some criticism when they got married in an Essex church two decades ago.  These two people with Down’s Syndrome fell in love and eventually marry. Many people thought that they shouldn’t marry and that their relationship will not last. However, they prove that their love is stronger than their condition and tied the knot. In 2017, the couple celebrated their 22nd year as a married couple proving the test of time.  In 1991, Maryanne and Tommy met a day center and dated for 18 months before Tommy popped the question. Celebrating 22 years of marriage is a feat and they received love and admiration from millions of people on social media.  To celebrate their anniversary, they re-enacted their first dance from dirty dancing to remember their big day. Despite many people are in attendance, the couple danced sweetly as if it is only them inside the room.  “My wedding was the best day of my life. I was shocked when Tommy proposed but I didn’t have to think twice about saying yes,” Maryanne shared to Independent.co.uk.

“Tommy and I never argue. I love my husband very much. He is my best friend,” she added.

After the wedding, the couple lives independently in their own home, but Maryanne’s sister Lindi Newman and her family live next door to help out in events that they need assistance.  Their relationship gets stronger and the couple proves that it is a wise decision to wed.  Meanwhile, the couple is grateful to all those that believe in them, especially Maryanne’s mother who supported their decision.  Although Maryanne’s mom received a lot of flak when she allowed the two to marry, she insisted that it was their decision.  “Maryanne had dreamed about a big white wedding since she was a little girl and that’s exactly what she had. It was a beautiful day,” Maryanne’s sister talked about why her mom agreed to her sister’s marriage.

Ms. Newman added that the couple’s relationship offers a positive statement.  “When they walk down the street holding hands they make a statement but in a good way. Some people stare, they assume people with Down’s Syndrome and learning difficulties can’t get married. But we also get so many lovely messages from people who are inspired by their story,” she said.

“People worried about their own children or grandchildren with Down’s Syndrome get hope from Maryanne and Tommy’s story, hope that their children can also fall in love and live happily ever after,” she added.

A Facebook page dedicated to the couple is managed by Maryanne’s sister. The Facebook page chronicles the life of the couple full of lovely photos showing how they spent quality time together. One of the photos showed the couple visiting an Elvis Presley museum and visiting an aquarium in another.  A lot of people are sending them messages congratulating them and wishing them well.  Watch the touching love story of Tommy and Maryanne and believe, once again, that love conquers all.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7217297/Murder-suspect-tells-inquest-three-consistent-confessions-1975-killing-invented.html

'We’ve waited 44 years for this day': Mother demands justice as coroner finds her daughter, eight, was unlawfully killed and police are sure chief suspect strangled her and slashed her throat with penknife

    Heartbroken mother has said her daughter's dead 'blighted her family'
    She has called for justice and to get the killer named in order to have 'closure'
    West Midlands police have said they are 'hopeful' of bringing the killer to justice
    John Sir, now 72, made three confessions consistent with Helen Bailey's murder

By Luke Andrews For Mailonline

Published: 16:29, 5 July 2019 | Updated: 17:48, 5 July 2019

The heartbroken mother of an eight-year-old girl found strangled with her throat cut more than 44 years ago has called for justice after a coroner recorded a conclusion of 'unlawful killing' in a re-opened inquest.  Margaret Bailey said her daughter Helen's death had 'blighted' her family and left her 'grieving for all these years'.  John Sir, now 72 and also known as Kenneth Etchells, who made three 'entirely consistent' confessions to killing the schoolgirl between 1978 and 1979, has claimed they were invented so that he could get into Highcroft mental hospital.  After coroner Louise Hunt said she would write to the Crown Prosecution Service to ask them to re-open the case, following the conclusion, West Midlands police said they were 'very hopeful' that they could bring the girls killer to justice.  Helen Bailey was found by her father lying in a woodland near Birmingham with her throat slit the day after she disappeared on August 10.  She was dubbed Little Girl Blue after it emerged that she was wearing her favourite dress when she vanished.  The 86-year-old mother said she 'wants closure' and 'wants to get this man named'.  'We've waited 44 years to this day,' she said, 'so that we can get closure for Helen'.

After her husband found Helen's body she said he stood by it for three hours so he could identify her when the coroner arrived. The was 'tormented every day' by the experience.  'I have grieved for all these years,' she said speaking about her daughter, 'she's never left me really'.

'She's with me all the time, I'm talking about her all the time, my friends all know about her, and my family, everybody knows about it.  It's just blighted our lives. So now it would be lovely to have closure a bit late.  But better late than never.'

Helen's brother Adrian, now 53, said that they were thankful for the help at the moment but that people had made 'serious mistakes' in the past.  'We're still not getting final closure with having somebody arrested, he's still out there,' he said.

West Midlands police have said they have one suspect after re-opening the cold case, but after 'protracted discussions' with the CPS have not been able to agree that the evidence 'meets the charging threshold'.  'Helen's death has remained a mystery for over 40 years, but it is important for her family to have it formally documented that she was unlawfully killed,' said detective chief superintendent Mark Payne.

'Nothing can ever bring Helen back to them, or all the lost years that she should have been with them, but I hope this small recognition can bring some comfort.  This leaves us then with a murder enquiry into an eight-year-old girl's death back in 1975.  We are actively pursuing this investigation with a cold case review and we are very much hopeful of bringing an offender to justice.  Our investigation will remain open and, should any new evidence come to light, we will pursue it.'

The retired receptionist said her daughter Helen had disappeared a few days before the family were due to go on holiday to Cornwall.  She had been desperate to play games with her sibling and his friends after bath time, but after going out searching for them she was never seen alive again.  Margaret said: 'Helen was in the bath and Adrian's friends came to the door and said 'can Helen and Adrian come to the park with us', and Adrian he was 10 said 'do we really have to have Helen with us'.  And I said, 'go on then, I won't tell her'.  So she then washed and dried and she went down into the garden and was obviously looking for him.  And he said to her 'mom said you can't come with us'.  So then they went to one park, she went down to the other park thinking that's where they'd gone.  She went to the wrong park.  So I feel responsible, Adrian feels responsible, but it's all 'if-only' isn't it?'

Two innocent boys were first accused of killing the 'chatty' and 'lively' girl, after some residents thought they were linked to the case.  Margaret said she believed the rumours at the time 'because that's what we were told by the coroner'.  But my husband never believed that, he always thought it was murder and so did my son'.

The case remained untouched until 2014 when a cold case review was opened by West Midlands police.

A pathologist, who examined the original post-mortem photos, said the cuts on her neck, that had previously been described as shallow, were anything but, and also found typical signs of asphyxia.

Heartbroken mother calls for justice 43 years after her daughter was killed

Margaret Bailey, whose daughter was found by her father lying in woodland with her throat slit, called for justice today.  After a coroner recorded a conclusion of unlawful killing she said, 'Well I believed them at the time, that these two boys were responsible, because that's what we were told by the coroner.  We were told it was just an accident, but when I think about it they said it was just a little nick in the jugular vein and she could have got up and walked  way that's what he said.  But my husband never believed that, he always thought it was murder and so did my son.'

But when, six years ago, police told her it was murder she said it was "dreadful" to have discovered the truth had evaded the family for almost 44 years.  The police came to see us, opened the case again and so for the last six years we've known what's happened and it's different to what we were told in the beginning, so we want the truth now.  It was dreadful. My son said he was coming down to see me, and it was such a shock and he said 'mom, it's murder'.  I've never been the same since.  Obviously I have grieved for all these years. She's never left me really.  She's with me all the time, I'm talking about her all the time, my friends all know about her, and my family, everybody knows about it.  'So now it would be lovely to have closure a bit late.  We've waited 44 years for this day and we just want this man named.  So that we can get closure for Helen.'

Police came to see the family to say that they thought Helen's death was murder.  'It was dreadful,' said Margaret, 'my son said he was coming down to see me, and it was such a shock and he said 'mom, it's murder'.  I've never been the same since'.

The new inquest was opened after a ruling in the High Court overturned the original 'open verdict' conclusion last year.  Sir was arrested in 2014 after the statements emerged during a cold case review in 2012, but claimed he had lied about murdering Helen.  Appearing in Birmingham coroner's court via video-link wearing a yellow t-shirt and glasses, he said he couldn't remember what happened because it was 'so long ago'.  'I only know what happened to Helen Bailey from what I heard or saw in the papers or whatever', he said.

'I remember being admitted to hospital in 1978 because I was feeling suicidal and I wanted somewhere to sort myself out.  I had taken quite a serious overdose. I recalled myself because of problems. And I wanted somewhere to sort myself out.  I confessed to the murder to make myself interesting to them. To ensure I got in.  I didn’t think wanting to kill myself or my wife was enough.  I can only say it was a coincidence [that my confessions were consistent with later post mortem findings].'

Asked if he was responsible for Helen’s death, he answered: 'No.'

When asked if he could provide any information as to how Helen came by her death, he said: 'No.'

When asked if he owned a penknife at the time he paused and eventually said: 'I may have owned a penknife, as I go fishing, but it would have been in with my fishing tackle.'

The inquest heard Sir made three confessions to the murder while undergoing psychiatric treatment at Highcroft Hospital, in Birmingham.  A post mortem examination carried out by pathologist Dr Nathaniel Cary in 2012 showed she had been strangled prior to her throat being cut.  This is a feature of Helen’s death which the original pathologist missed, the inquest heard.  The inquest heard Sir, now 72, admitted strangling Helen before cutting her neck with a penknife as she was still breathing to medical staff.  Detective Chief Superintendent Caroline Marsh said: 'I have no doubt in my mind. I believe the perpetrator was Kenneth Etchells [Sir] and there are no outstanding suspects in this inquiry.  Etchells/Sir described to medical staff how he killed Helen by strangling her and then cut her throat with a pen knife when he realised she was still breathing.'

Helen’s mother Margaret Bailey, who attended the hearing, said in a video interview played to the court: 'I just want closure.  I would like to think I can finish my life and know justice has been done for Helen.'

The inquest heard Sir attacked his mother in 1991 with a hammer. She never recovered and died months later from pneumonia.

44 years of pain: How the Little Girl Blue case unfolded over the decades after she was found with her throat cut in a woodland

11 August 1975 Father finds his daughter's body in woodland in Birmingham near the M6 motorway. He stays with the body for three hours so that he could be there to identify her when the coroner arrived, an experience which 'tormented' him for the rest of his life.

1976 An inquest returns an 'open verdict' and says her death may have been the result of an 'accidental joke gone wrong'. Her father and brother refused to believe the conclusion.

1978 & 1979 - John Sir confesses to the murder three times while at Highcroft hospital. He gives facts which are 'entirely consistent' with her killing. Two innocent boys are also wrongly accused of her murder

2014 - The cold case is re-opened after a pathologist re-examines post-mortem photos and says she had deep cuts in her neck and that there are clear signs of asphyxiation. John Sir's confessions also come to light

2018 - The High Court overturns the previous conclusion of the inquest and orders a new one to be carried out

2019 - The coroner rules that she was killed by 'unlawful killing' and says she will write to the CPS to ask them to re-open the case. John Sir tells the court that he made up his confessions in order to get into the hospital. West Midlands police say they are hopeful they can bring her killer to justice